Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, “Elect to Laugh,” as well as his one-man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG."
"In a time capsule regression to eleventh grade, the boys in Washington have decided to play chicken with America...Neither side shows signs of backing down and a showdown on that big bluff overlooking the mall is inevitable."
"First we mistakenly bombed civilians but eventually we got over it. Then we accidentally bombed an innocent embassy, but we got over that too. The United States is fast becoming known as the country that can't bomb straight. Oh, I'm sorry, I mean NATO."
Durst writes: "Aliens' first glimpse of our culture is going to be our television programming. Well, hell, no wonder we haven't been contacted yet. They're scared out of their little alien wits of us."
Durst writes: "It's a day of monumental upheaval here in the nation's capital where the spirit of red white and blue bipartisanship is shaking the town like a hula dancer with a hotfoot ... Newt Gingrich singlehandedly pushed through an iron clad Campaign Finance Reform Bill that will forbid any contribution over ten bucks."
Durst writes: "So we started giving thanks that consumers are out there doing their patriotic duty of sinking heavily into debt to honor the birth of our Lord by offering up to the most deserving of us, Will Durst's 1997 Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t. Let's get on with it, shall we?"
Durst writes: "The game of politics is one of the inherent problems you have with a political appointment. Another can be witnessed in Iraq where Saddam Hussein's eldest son, Odai, in an example of nepotism gone horribly awry, was appointed head of the Iraqi soccer federation."
Dust writes, "In his press conference on recent revelations that his administration used the White House as a money bag drop, Clinton made it absolutely clear: 'We didn't do anything wrong and we promise not to do it again, and we can't recall if and when or where it may have happened. Which it didn't.' Well that clears things up like a lousy decade old 8mm print of a vampire flick at a foggy drive-in theatre in the Andes with votive candles throwing the projection."
Durst writes, "Mr. Gingrich actually said out loud in front of people with microphones, 'We're more than just the cynical, venal, narrow, corrupt profession that all too often is a reflection of the current culture.' Of course, you are Newt. You're also manipulative, lying, scornful, unscrupulous, swindling, avaricious, grasping, virulent, cheating, fraudulent and petty."
Will Durst thinks Bob Dole is in the middle of an identity crisis. He writes, "Bob Dole's campaign policy is similar to intimating that the Antarctica tourist board has been slack in its attempt to attract surfing conventions. The man can't even convince himself. So far his best stab at it has been, 'Bob Dole envisions an America that is different -- maybe.'"
Democratic National Committee leaders recently met with Madison Avenue advertising executives to explore new ways to market the Democratic Party. Suggestions from Durst include: "The Democrats. Like Perot's Party, Only Different." "Democrats Good. Republicans Bad." "The Democratic Party. No Newts." "Dem Dems. We Got Our Mojo Working." "Democrats 'R Us" (with a cigarette holder on the backwards R).
Will Durst on the weather: "Today there's big news. There's a heat wave in the Midwest. Imagine that. Heat. In the Midwest. In July. What's next? The Pacific Ocean is moist. The French can be annoying."
"PBS is proud to announce its daring new Unsolved Mysteries series, with shows answering such unanswerable questions as: How do the English reproduce? Where are all the baby pigeons? and Why is the other side of the pillow always cooler? as explained by Stephen Hawking."
Durst writes: "Kids today obviously don't understand why we old fart baby boomers keep droning on and on about how the 60s were so much better. But we changed the world, nipple-ring-boy, and don't you forget it."
Durst writes: "One of the big arguments for impeachment ... is America will lose the respect of other world leaders. I just want to know one itty bitty thing. What other world leaders? The Pope? If he knows what's good for him, he'd better respect Clinton, since Bill puts the moves on anything in a dress."
Durst writes: "PBS is getting a measure of heat lately for marketing 'The Teletubbies' to fill that all important 1-to 2-year-old niche in the toy market. What's the big problem? America today is not about making things, it's about buying them. And what better time to start nurturing a consumer mentality in children than when they have yet begun to speak."