Stories by Will Durst

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, “Elect to Laugh,” as well as his one-man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG." subscribe to Will Durst's feed

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Something you'll hear in my golf foursome you'll never hear on the pro tour: 'Oh great. Didn't make it past the ladies tee again. Who's got the sunblock?'"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Welcome to Clinton's summer getaway, Martha's Vineyard, where Bill plans to take the pulse of America amongst normal folks. Yeah, right! We're talking about an enclave where the talk around the pickle barrel includes comparative arguments about the chauffeur's dog's current psychotherapist."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "And now in light of the Jonesboro tragedy, let's get the response from the NRA spokesman, Rock Hardney ... "

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes: "This Latrell Sprewell thing is getting all out of hand. Now it's a race thing. Which is similar to calling the Jesse Helms/ William Weld deal, an accent thing. No. The relationship between him and PJ Carlesimo was more complicated than that. Like San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown so impolitically said, 'Maybe the coach deserved to be choked.'"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes: "In an announcement with a staggering potential about on a par with Newt Gingrich declaring he's the new spokesperson for Slimfast, Whitewater independent counsel Kenneth Starr has formally ruled Vince Foster's death a suicide. Oh no."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes: "In honor of the Scottish cloning story, I figured I'd file the same piece I did yesterday, but I realized the only people who might find it funny would be me. I'm not sure I buy this sheep story anyway. Either a farmboy's wet dream or his worst nightmare. Besides, who pays that much attention to individual sheep?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "It's one of the saddest and most unspoken side effects of the fall of the Berlin Wall: really stupid spies. The U.S. has spies that other countries would dismiss as bathroom attendants. In 1986, Aldrich Ames, a career CIA officer making 60 grand a year, tops, bought a half million dollar house with cash. Eight years later, the agency got suspicious. Who was in charge of internal security here? Stevie Wonder?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst can't understand why Clinton wants to change the meat inspection system. He writes, "Detecting contaminated meat by giving it a quick smell as it whips by on a conveyor belt at what meat packing companies consider a reasonable speed sounds like a top notch method to me. Cheap too. Besides, can you think of a more effective way to get people to eat healthier than by throwing a wild card like a stack of E. coli burgers into fast food mix once in a while?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst says, "Don't get me wrong. I'm no fan of Hooters' restaurants. Ate there twice. Both times I felt like I had felt someone up minus consent. And the wings were just okay. Didn't agree when Hooters waitresses sued, saying they knew the uniforms were provocative, but didn't expect the sexual harassment. The hell did they expect? True love? MacArthur grants?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Comic Will Durst takes a ride on the Informational Superhighway.

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Oh my God, here we go again. Wake up and be afraid, because the liberals are planning to mess with health care again."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"What They Say: The crash of the F-16 was caused by engine failure. What They Mean: That's what happens when anti aircraft artillery hits an engine; it fails."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Am I the only who thinks it odd that nobody said anything to Chief Justice Rehnquist when he showed up with the four gold stripes on the arms of his robes?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "What's going to happen now in Northern Ireland is a splinter group of the IRA splinter group calling itself the "Real IRA" will emerge calling itself the Realest IRA. And since we know this is going to happen, in the interest of efficiency it might come in handy if we name the groups in advance -- like with hurricanes."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "El Nino has been blamed for everything from the poor boxoffice of 'Primary Colors' to the substandard quality of strip bars around the New Orleans airport. The only good news is El Nino is about to check out with a gasping whimper, but lurking in the shadow of her brother's demise is the second act; La Nina."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "It is time for us to wipe the slate clean and start the year percolating with a couple of typically cynical predictions ... In 1998 I expect to see: Mike Tyson hit the talk show circuit to publicize his new celebrity diet book but is turned down by everyone except Jerry Springer. Drew Carey pierce his nipples on live TV, upping the 'Ellen' ante."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes: "A one sentence 46 word provision slipped into the humungous tax cut legislation which gave a $50 billion, yes, billion, tax break to the tobacco industry was repealed by a 95 to 3 vote in the Senate yesterday. Not surprising. These days, tobacco is less popular than Mike Wallace at a corporate stockholders annual meeting wearing leiderhosen."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "For all you savvy market watchers who regularly turn to the Durst Report for your sage financial advice, it is now time for me to patiently -- but with my typical clarity -- explain what happened with the Federal Reserve's recent increase in the short term interest rate. It's bad. But not as bad as it might have been. Oh, it could have been worse. But not by much. More than a little perhaps."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "Thank God Warren Christopher is out of the State Department. I always worried when he went to state funerals that foreign dignitaries might think we were mocking their deceased leader by sending a corpse. He looked like a stitched together pathology project by Caribbean med school rejects. The only guy in America who makes Dr. Kevorkian seem chipper."

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