Fallujah, Iraq – The first few pages of Marine Cpl. Tim Milholin's small zip-up Bible are stuck together - drenched "too many times" from the sweat of battle, he explains. It lives under his armored vest in his chest pocket, with an inscribed metal plate: "The Lord is my strength and my shield."
Corporal Milholin, a 21-year-old machine-gunner with a pencil-thin mustache, is girded for war in Fallujah with both book and sword. He is as well-versed in the King James text as he is in the killing potential of hollow-tipped bullets or the amount of C4 plastic explosive and TNT needed to blow through an Iraqi door. To him, they are all essential tools of his warfighting trade, as important as the photo of his wife, Brianne, that's tucked inside his helmet.
"I pray earnestly every day, and believe that God puts his angels out before us, to protect us," says the marine, who fires up his camp stove daily before daybreak to brew coffee for the unit during the violent days of Operation Dawn in Fallujah. Since the dark night of Nov. 8 when they rolled into the dense urban environment of this now-empty city of 300,000, US forces have been in their toughest fight since the Vietnam War. As they search for their enemy, breaking through one closed door after another, the Raider platoon - the Death Dealers, as they dub themselves - are on the front lines in a city hammered to rubble.
They're a microcosm of the modern military, a disparate handful of young men drawn from the melting pot of America. But they share obsessions: with guns and God, with guitars, girls, wives, and fiancÃ©es.
Most took part in the 2003 invasion of Iraq. And the common experience of combat has deepened a bond of brotherhood - a tie upon which their lives depend every day on the terror war's most dangerous battlefield: Fallujah. In this crucible, they have seen death and delivered it, and grown mature beyond their years amid unrelenting rigors and danger.
Preparing for Battle
Every day, sometimes twice or more in a 24-hour period, the scouts gather for final orders.
The moment of deepest contemplation comes before each attack, often early in the morning, as on the group's seventh day in Fallujah. In near silence and darkness, they clean weapons once more, pack rifle magazines with bullets, and load gear belts with explosives.
Not all are religious, but a few scouts, like Corporal Milholin, keep small Bibles in their chest pockets, close to pounding hearts.
Many use a black permanent marker to ink their hands or gloves with their blood type and "kill" numbers - information that will enable news of casualties to be passed immediately over the radio. It's a habit that's taken on greater significance in the course of a month of battle that has killed or wounded more than 20 percent of Charlie Company, 1st Light Armored Reconnaissance (LAR) battalion.
Not all are impressed. "I don't write any of that [expletive] on me," says Lance Cpl. Matt McClellan (X58, B+), a tattooed serial rule breaker. "It's bad luck."
It was just August when the company commanders created the concept of Raider One – a single vehicle that can deposit up to 10 scouts on the ground within seconds to fight in conjunction with Light Armored Vehicles known as "war pigs." The setup provides new flexibility during hand-to-hand combat and has proven so effective that Raider is assigned constant missions in Fallujah.
It's been during these operations that the brutal emotions of battle, of tragedy and triumph and coping, mix with Washington's calculation that Fallujah – which was a hub for hostage-taking, rebel weaponry, and car bombs – had to be destroyed, to be saved.
"This is urban combat to a 'T,' with 360 degrees of danger," says Sgt. Kevin Boyd, the young-faced chief scout from Pittsburgh, Pa., who forged Raider's clockwork skills of houseclearing by daily practice on the ship to the Middle East, storming stairwells and clearing catwalks on upper decks.
"You've always got to be looking in every house – behind every couch there could be a guy hiding," says Sergeant Boyd, an Eagle Scout who wore his first camouflage at age 3 and owns more than 20 guns.
Boyd graduated from high school on a Friday, celebrated on Saturday, and left for the Marines on Monday. He says Fallujah is "10 times" as dangerous as the Iraq invasion, during which LAR lost one marine, who stepped on an artillery shell.
"It's a lot faster combat, a lot more deliberate. Grenade, grenade, rocket-boom! You're in," says Boyd. For luck, he keeps an Ace of Spades in his helmet.
"I love the adrenaline of it, the fast pace," Boyd adds. "I'm breathing in plaster and composition B from the grenade, choking on it - spitting out black stuff as I'm clearing the room out. It's great!"
But the edge of this front line is not for everybody. Another chief scout of a sister platoon, called Red, watched at close range on the first day as an insurgent fired a rocket from just 25 yards, narrowly missing his platoon leader.
"Everybody has a breaking point, and his was a lot earlier," says 1st Lt. Paul Webber, the Red platoon chief from Newcastle, Calif. "His eyes were huge. He stood up [after the exchange] and slumped over." Back in the vehicle, Lieutenant Webber recalls, the sergeant "curled up in the fetal position and was banging his head on the toolbox. The doc had to restrain him."
"There is nothing more personal than someone trying to kill you, and you trying to kill him," says Capt. Gil Juarez, the LAR company commander from San Diego, Calif. "Not marriage. Not parenting. Nothing is more personal than having to toe the line, when it's either you or him."
During pauses between operations, the men set up camp, living cramped in occupied Iraqi houses. It's at such times that the marines try to digest the unpredictable moments of Fallujah, with feisty debates that erupt about everything from too-young girlfriends to the utility of God.
"I'm sure they see it in every war; so many people become religious out here," says Milholin, sitting on a floor mattress covered with red satin. The windows of the house are gone - smashed out by the marines so that glass will not fly when mortars land nearby.
Milholin and two others are known as the "Three Wise Men." "I put so much faith in God, I don't know how people do it without being religious."
Corporal McClellan knows how – and often takes issue with the Wise Men's certitude. "I have confidence. Ever since I was a little kid, I knew I was not going to die, so I don't need [religion] to lift me up," says the machine-gunner from Clayton, N.J., turning down the volume on his heavy metal CD.
McClellan racked up 26 counts of grand-theft auto while still a juvenile. He had six ear studs on one side, seven on the other, and a tongue stud – which once got stuck in his lip ring. Joining the Marines has tempered such behavior, but it hasn't erased McClellan's independent streak.
If anything, McClellan says he blames God for what goes wrong – a key reason being the fate of his friend Lance Cpl. Kyle Burns, of Red platoon, who was going to be the best man at McClellan's wedding until he was killed in an ambush Nov. 11.
McClellan took the death hard. He stills clings to a photo of himself and the square-jawed marine in a cowboy hat from Laramie, Wyo., sitting together smoking a Middle Eastern water pipe.
After the ambush, McClellan was put in charge of guarding an Iraqi who had surrendered with a white flag. The marine made no secret of his distaste for the man.
A second marine was added to guard duty to keep an eye on both of them. "If anybody left me alone with him, I would be in the brig [military jail] right now," McClellan says later.
Losing his friend changed McClellan's sense of mission. "Before [Burns] was killed, I thought we were here to kill the bad ones and save the good ones," says McClellan, a wry wit who sometimes jokingly refers to himself "trigger-happy Mick." "Now I think: 'Is he the one who shot Kyle?' It's a revenge thing. Every time I see an Iraqi, I could be face-to-face with the guy who killed my best friend."
Perhaps as a result, McClellan expects this conflict to bring him closer to his father, a former marine who survived three tours of Vietnam unscathed and fought in the urban battle at Hue City in 1968.
"He used to talk about how, 10 seconds from now, you don't know if you'll be alive," McClellan recalls, swinging a pair of dog tags on a chain. "His buddy right next to him was shot in the face and died. Now I know how he felt."
Death and Salvation
Burns's death has become a point of debate within the unit. The marine shared McClellan's animosity toward religion until just days before the ambush, when he "gave his life to Christ" at a church service, according to some who were there.
"God has a perfect plan," says Cpl. Christopher DeBlanc, a team leader and one of the Wise Men. He keeps a red leather Bible in his rucksack, part of a pile of personal gear deposited upstairs in the Iraqi house. "For example, Red [platoon] got hit by a [mine], and after that they had a church service. They accepted God; Kyle accepted it. Kyle is in heaven now."
"That was God's gift to Kyle?" asks McClellan incredulously. "Great. You accept God, and the next day you get killed. That's some advertisement. You are done at 20 years and three months, unmarried."
That reaction doesn't surprise Corporal DeBlanc, a tall, reliable marine. His path to the military, and to his overarching faith, has been circuitous. From the age of 12, he worshiped the guitar and played in rock bands, practicing for hours after school in Spotsylvania, Va., often falling asleep with the instrument in his hands. But his rock-star lifestyle didn't take him far. "During my teenage years, I hit the bottom of the barrel," DeBlanc says. "When I joined the Marine Corps, I was done living that way."
His change of heart was sparked by the burial, with full military honors, of his grandfather, a World War II veteran and a man he wanted to emulate.
"I didn't cry [at first], but when the honor guard got up there for the 21-gun salute – as soon as that first round cracked, it was Niagara Falls," DeBlanc recalls. "I didn't like how my life was going, so I gave it to the military."
The marines instill a new set of values and "force you to grow up," says DeBlanc. For him, that included a growing framework of faith that he applies in Fallujah. "The big thing is the spiritual battle going on in our lives - the fight we're fighting is good against evil," he says. He knows the Americans are not the only ones to call on divine power: On the wall of one house, written with yellow paint in Arabic: "God help [Iraq's] mujahideen."
DeBlanc easily reconciles war with the biblical commandment against killing. "Doesn't the Bible say: 'There is a time to pick up the sword, a time for peace, and a time for war?' " he asks. "I can pull the trigger here and have a clear conscience."
To a degree, that goes for Lance Cpl. Jason Bell, the original Wise Man from Spokane, Wash., who tries to balance the battle with the message of his Bible, which he keeps on him in a plastic meal sleeve that also holds a stun grenade and an extra rifle magazine.
"I always prayed, before we came here, that Iraq's innocent civilians wouldn't look badly on us," says Corporal Bell. He wistfully recalls breaking out in laughter with a young Iraqi after several failed attempts to communicate – an uncommon moment of levity between Americans and Iraqis.
Bell's faith was tested during a pre-dawn raid, when small fragments of a US grenade ricocheted and embedded in his cheek, effectively shielding this correspondent from the blast.
"I thought it was a blessing in a weird way - [the wound] wasn't that bad," recalls Bell, who wants to go to Bible college and preach. "It's kind of crazy: God told David he couldn't build a temple, because he had blood on his hands.
"Though we've been in contact, I don't know that I've killed anybody," Bell adds. "I've never hesitated, but it seems whenever I've gone out, there was nothing out there."
DeBlanc also plans to go Bible college, and has dreamed of himself as an elderly man at a pulpit, his wife with three children (as yet unborn) in the front pew. That's a welcome change from the nightmares he had for a year after returning home from Iraq in 2003. "I would wake up, looking for my rifle," says DeBlanc. "I dreamed I was in a fire hole and being overrun, and couldn't find my gun."
"Doc" Nick Navarrette, the US Navy medical corpsman from Omaha, Neb., who serves as Raider's ambulance chief during casualty evacuation, had a nightmare too in Fallujah. "There are 50 Iraqis coming at us, I had an M-16 [rifle] and all it shot is dust," says the slightly built corpsman. "I reach for my [pistol], and it's only crunching sand."
No Noncombatants Here
The corpsman's job requires him to be a noncombatant, limited to using his M-16 rifle. But when the Raider One vehicle was sent to reinforce Red platoon during the Nov. 11 ambush, he got behind a belt-fed machine gun when he saw three insurgents shooting from a third floor. He killed at least one and stopped fire from the others.
Then, when casualties were announced on the radio, Navarrette's real work began. After he gets home from Iraq, he wants a fourth tattoo: a pair of angel wings across his back.
"As soon as I jumped out [of the vehicle], the shots started flying by my head. I could feel the wind [from the bullets] in my face," Navarrette recalls of his 30-yard dash to the wounded. He got the first casualty back to the vehicle when word came about another one. Navarrette and a gunner, bullets striking in front of their feet, retrieved Burns, who was dead.
There is speculation among Raider platoon that Navarrette may be put up for a bronze star, with a 'V' for combat valor.
But his mother was angry. "She told me, 'Don't do anything crazy,'" he recounts after a call home. "I'm already a hero to her; I don't need to be a hero to anybody else. I tell her: 'It's my job; these are my friends.' "
Days later, wrapped in McClellan's thick blanket to ward off a morning chill in the occupied house, Navarrette elaborated while eating potato chips and French onion dip from a care package.
During the call to his mother, he also learned that a close friend, Shane, was killed the same night. The news also reached Shane's wife, April, just hours after she gave birth to the couple's first child. The emotional ride gave the corpsman pause. He pulls out the video camera he used to film part of the ambush.
The rattle of bullets and pounding high-caliber rounds dominate the soundtrack. Then the footage goes calm, and Navarrette is speaking from the back of the Raider vehicle after delivering the casualties to the combat hospital.
"Yeah, well, we lost two guys. I'm here by myself," he records, clearly shaken. "I got blood all over my hands; I got blood all over my pants, and my flak [vest]. It was not a good day. I never want to go through a day like that again."
"But we're going right back out there. No breaks," Navarrette says, his voice threadbare. "I'll turn you back on, when the [bullets] start flying again. All right – peace."
On Dec. 9, Lt. Gen. John Sattler said that 97 percent of Fallujah's more than 20,000 buildings "have been swept for the third and hopefully, final time."
The collapse of peace talks between Fallujah representatives and the Iraqi government signaled an end of hope for Ahmad Salim last Thursday. The generator mechanic loaded his tearful family into a car and escaped the embattled city of Fallujah by way of dusty farm tracks.
Already 80 percent of the city's population of 300,000 has made the same decision, he estimates, even as the intense US bombardments over the weekend gave way to relative quiet Monday.
"We were happy when the negotiations started, but were shocked when they arrested [chief Fallujah representative Sheikh Khaled] al-Jumaili," says Mr. Salim, speaking at a relative's home in Baghdad, where he has brought his wife and three children to wait out the conflict. "I think the Americans will wipe Fallujah from the map."
Salim's thinking provides a glimpse into the world view of ordinary Fallujans, who say they are torn between their wish for peace, their opposition to the U.S. presence, and their disgust for the tactics of terror mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, which include suicide bombings, attacks, and kidnappings of foreigners that have ended in gruesome videotaped beheadings.
Iraq's interim government has vowed to "smash" all resistance before January elections. After months of ignoring Sunni strongholds like Fallujah – virtual no-go zones – U.S. forces earlier this month began a major, rolling offensive to reclaim insurgent territory.
The U.S. push now is to conquer Fallujah, root out the local resistance, and eject Zarqawi and his band of foreign militants. But the release Monday of Mr. Jumaili, after three days, illustrates the delicate nature of the cold-then-hot U.S. approach. Fallujans were "surprised" at his detention, and upon release, Jumaili declared that talks would not resume.
"I think the residents of Fallujah don't want this sort of peace," the bearded cleric said after his release. "They want a real peace, not a peace that stabs in the back and strikes and destroys homes and kills women."
On Monday, Allawi told Iraq's National Council that an "olive branch" is still being offered to Fallujah representatives, but he said, "We shall not be lenient in regard to the question of maintaining security and granting security to every Iraqi."
Complicating the picture is the interim government's demand that Fallujans hand over Mr. Zarqawi. City negotiators say that task is "impossible," and claim that the Jordanian militant is not in the city.
In a declaration issued on the Internet – surprising for its timing, if not its substance – Zarqawi's Tawhid and Jihad group on Sunday pledged its allegiance to Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda's strategy of battling the "enemies of Islam." Some analysts say that the announcement was an attempt by Zarqawi to entice new recruits.
As the Americans step up aggressive tactics against the city and prospects for a negotiated settlement appear to dim, civilians tired of the conflict are fleeing.
"Violence begets violence," says Salim. "Of course we are against these terrorist operations. No Muslim would allow himself to cut someone's throat. Our holy book says: 'If you capture someone, you must feed them, even with your own food.' "
But just as Salim rejects Zarqawi's methods, he also believes that Fallujah has been unfairly singled out for attack.
"We hate anyone who comes to [occupy] our city. Most people refuse to allow foreign [fighters] to go there," says Salim. "There are many operations across Iraq – car bombs, mortars, everything – not just in Fallujah. Why do they insist [on targeting] Fallujah, and one man?"
Memories of April
Salim says his experience is common to many Fallujans, who have been rattled by weeks of nightly airstrikes and fearful expectations of an imminent U.S.-led military siege and push on the city that promises heavy casualties on both sides.
When the U.S. Marines engaged the Fallujah resistance for three weeks last April – in the aftermath of the killing and mutilation of four American contractors – more than 100 marines and 600 Iraqis died. U.S. forces have since ceded the city to the resistance.
The result is new fear that is tearing at family social fabric, which Iraqis say has only hardened attitudes against American efforts.
Throughout the conversation, Salim's young face lights up only once: when describing the purchase of new clothes and schoolbooks for his two oldest children.
Classes began Oct. 1, and lasted just two days. Since then, the children have hardly slept, their parents say, kept awake by the constant crash and vibrations of explosions.
"I'm afraid because the planes bomb our district and we can't go to school," says Salim's 10-year-old son Ala. "We can't go to school for fear of attack."
Watching on TV
Salim turns up the volume of the television, as the Al Jazeera channel shows headlines of several wounded children in a Fallujah hospital, and reports that the U.S. bombing intensified on Sunday.
Media reports cited witnesses, who said that during a nine-hour battle Sunday, U.S. forces fired on a family trying to escape, killing all five. News agencies reported Fallujah doctors saying that four civilians were killed, including a child.
"We are just concerned with living in safety," says Salim's wife, who wears a conservative white head wrap over a black shawl. "Sure, when you leave your city you are sad. We've left a father and mother and a house and more family. We are always thinking about them."
Personal experience with civilian casualties during the latest surge of fighting, and the battles last April, convinced the Salim family to go.
"What did this teach us about the Americans?" asks Mrs. Salim. "First we thought the Americans came to liberate our country, but now our conclusion is the opposite. We know they came to destroy our country."
Questions over Intelligence Quality
Reversing that perception will not be easy, in a city where U.S. and Iraqi forces are erring on the side of striking first and asking questions later.
One source close to the Iraqi leadership says that U.S. airstrikes are "hitting a lot of people, [and] not that every one is a target. The intelligence isn't great – but there comes a point when you just go."
Though the U.S. asserts that nearly every attack is a "precision strike" on a target related to Zarqawi's network, civilians have inevitably died is the urban environment.
Some were killed two weeks ago, when a huge air-dropped bomb landed a few hundred yards from Salim's house at 2 a.m. – a wake-up call that shook the family to their core. The children came running to their father's bed, looking for sanctuary.
"I held all my family together and said: 'We die just once in this life, not twice. Thank God, [the bombing] was far from us.'" Salim recalls. Within 30 minutes – after waiting, in case of a second U.S. strike – Salim made his way in the dark down to the two-family house that was targeted.
He will never forget the image that greeted him, and never forgive.
"Most of them were children, all of them dead," Salim says, of the families he helped dig out of the rubble with bare hands. "When something happens, everybody runs there to help rescue, like an ambulance - maybe a friend will be [the victim] there."
Pulling Together for Survival
Salim says he gave blood twice that day. And there are other shortages – especially of anesthetics. The targeted house often hosts weddings and other gatherings. "Maybe the Americans thought: Why are there so many cars there? The father had a trucking business."
Whatever the reasons, the lesson for the Salim family was that their survival was at risk in Fallujah, regardless of their political views.
"I can't describe the feelings of that day," says Mrs. Salim, recalling her husband's vivid description of the bomb scene. "It's not just fear for your family – maybe your neighbor or a relative can be killed, by a misfired rocket, maybe randomly. Even walking in the street."