Watch if You Dare: Joe the Plumber's Ãœber-Awkward Stand-Up Flop (Video)

[sigh] I'm done. I'm gonna go back to living the life of luxury—I miss my drivers, I miss my limo, I liss my—I miss my car-dee-err of, uh, uh, excuse me, my snifter of car-dee-, uh, uh, snifter of… [someone yells from audience] Oh! Macallan. [snorts] And for you of those that don't know, Macallan is a ten thousand bottle of whisky. And I really love giving myself footbaths—I pour about three of those bottles with a pound of saffron in there. At the same time, I let my concubines work me, you know, deep tissue massage—oh, god, I miss it so much. [laughs; looks down at his notecards and flips through them]

That way, I can go back to, uh, you know, I can go back to life of luxury, like I was saying, and, you know, I can hang out with my, uh, two cocker spaniels, uh, Goldwater and Reagan. I could watch my, uh, filly run the derby next year; her name's Oppress the Poor. I could watch her on my hundred-and-nine inch plasma screen TV, so… [breathes heavily; flips through note cards furiously]

So, that's what's been weighing on my chest, so, you know, hey, listen— [takes a deep breath and exhales] I'm Joe the Plumber no more—I'm Francis W. Rove, rich Republican, and I'm happy to be out of the closet. And you know what gives me the most pleasure of all? Is Keith Olbermann's somewhere out there right now screaming, "I knew it! I knew it!" And he's gonna have a stroke and life will be good. Thank you guys very much.