Your guide to surviving the holidays with Trump-loving relatives — according to science

As the holiday season approaches, family gatherings are set to transform homes into microcosms of the national political landscape. In these reunions, conversations can quickly turn from benign banter about sports to the divisive topic of politics. With an election cycle upon us the name “Trump” can be as contentious as it is inescapable, turning a festive gathering of lights and eggnog into an ideological battleground.

This is the challenge many of us face this Christmas: How do we, armed with our morals and convictions, navigate the treacherous terrain of political discourse with those we love — without the feast turning into a fracas?

If you are a lone liberal leaf in a staunchly conservative family tree, you may be dreading the holiday. If you are not alone, and the family is more-or-less divided on political topics, it can be even worse — all holy hell can break loose. It is not an exaggeration to say that families can be — and sometimes are — torn apart in the highly polarized political climate we find ourselves in.

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The solution to this problem lies in developing strategies based on an understanding of neuroscience and psychology that can calm the storm within, ensuring that our physiological responses do not commandeer our interactions.

But what if I told you that an understanding of the relevant concepts holds the key to not just surviving these encounters, but potentially bridging family divides? The goal isn't to convert but to converse, and to plant seeds of thought that might, in time, bear fruit.

Let this article serve as a guide to navigating political discussions with grace and the subtle powers of persuasion.

The first thing we need to know is that two distinct yet interdependent cognitive systems govern our decision-making processes.

System 1, the intuitive and automatic pilot, reacts without conscious deliberation, guided by emotions and entrenched biases. It’s the system that flares up at the mention of Trump, fueling heated debates with reactionary zeal.

Supporters wait in line outside of the the Kellogg Arena to see U.S. President Donald Trump speak at his "Merry Christmas" rally being held at the Kellogg Arena on December 18, 2019 in Battle Creek, Mich. (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)

Contrast this with System 2, the reflective and analytical mind, which involves active engagement with conscious reasoning and rational thought, akin to a chess player contemplating the board. It’s this system that allows for nuanced discussion, helping you dissect the layers of Trump's policies and rhetoric without devolving into tribalistic fervor.

By learning how to stay in a System 2 state of mind, and how to induce the same state in our conversation partners, we equip ourselves with a powerful tool for fostering more constructive dialogues.

Now, let’s imagine a generic Christmas family gathering. This will help you prepare to turn a contentious situation into a constructive conversation.

The turkey is carved, the casserole is cooked and the spiked eggnog is being poured around the table as the annual ritual of family gathering unfolds.

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Yet, beneath the festive veneer, a familiar tension simmers, threatening to boil over as Uncle Bob, with a glint in his eye, extols the virtues of Donald Trump. As your patience wears thin, the conversation turns darker and angrier, until everyone at the table who is not a Trump supporter feels uneasy. You love Uncle Bob, and he loves you, but the burly conservative has been liberal with the whiskey and you can predict where the conversation is headed, if someone doesn’t do something to shift gears.

Before you can figure out how to do that, something is said that triggers you. Your body reacts instinctively, preparing itself for what it perceives as a threat. This is politics engaging our stress response. Our autonomic nervous system, the conductor of our body's stress orchestra, readies its instruments. The heart rate accelerates. Muscles tense. Breaths become fast and shallow. It's the famous “fight or flight” response, a survival mechanism that served our ancestors well when faced with physical danger.

But at a family dinner, it doesn't have any adaptive function.

These are the physiological consequences of the activation of the amygdala, an almond-shaped cluster of neurons in the brain's temporal lobe that functions as a "threat detector." When exposed to stimuli perceived as threats — be it an angry expression or a disparaging remark — the amygdala rapidly processes this information and ushers us into a defensive mode, marked by heightened tribalism and strict adherence to familiar worldviews.

The activation of the amygdala can instantly shift someone’s cognitive operating mode from System 2 to System 1. When this happens, it can be very hard for System 2 to get back in the driver’s seat. This reaction has been called "amygdala hijack,” capturing the essence of how our brain’s response to threat can momentarily commandeer our behavioral control.

If you get pulled into this confrontational mode and it is detected by your conversation partner, it will likely trigger the same mode in them. When this happens, both sides will start perceiving any attempts to be persuaded as an attack on their worldview. Once this happens, a polarization cycle emerges — a process in which individuals or groups with conflicting ideologies move progressively further apart in their beliefs and attitudes as a result of interacting.

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This cycle is self-reinforcing, with each instance of disagreement widening the divide: one party adopts a more extreme stance, then the opposing party responds by also adopting a more extreme stance, until both sides have doubled-down to the point that they are in complete opposition.

We must avoid polarization cycles whenever possible. This means we must escape amygdala hijack, and get back into a reflective rather than a reactive mindset.

So how do we activate System 2 in ourselves and others?

The first strategy is self-awareness. Practicing mindfulness can serve as a calming prelude to political discussions, grounding us and engaging the cognitive processes of System 2. This entails becoming conscious of the need to be mentally resilient to potential triggers. Like a captain who knows the sea, understand your emotional currents, and take steps to stay in control. For example, be aware of your emotional state, and as anger or frustration emerges, allow the feelings to pass rather than letting them control you.

In addition, simply becoming aware of your breathing to ensure it is deep and sufficiently slow can help regulate your body's stress response, bringing you back to a state of calm. Imagine each breath as a gust of wind, filling the sails of your composure and propelling you forward with intention and mental clarity. It's a technique that can be quietly employed, even mid-conversation, to maintain your equilibrium.

A hat tops off a Christmas tree at a "Merry Christmas" rally hosted by U.S. President Donald Trump at the Kellogg Arena on December 18, 2019 in Battle Creek, Mich. (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)

If the conversation does escalate, don't be afraid to take a break — just excuse yourself and step away. Use this time to regroup and calm your nervous system. When you return, you'll be better equipped to navigate the dialogue with poise.

Now that you know how to preemptively self-regulate, let’s focus on your interaction with your ideologically-dissimilar family member.

When you do reengage in the discussion, practice “active listening.” This involves focused attention and conscious processing of what the other person is saying, rather than mentally preparing your counterargument.) Repeat back what they've said, in a subtly different form, if possible, to show them you are paying full attention. This doesn't signify agreement; it simply shows that you’re open to learning new things and that you’re deeply considering their points. Use this opportunity to really understand why that person has that perspective as a result of their worldview, knowledge base and lived experience.

Remember that beneath every opinion lies a complex interplay of beliefs, biases and emotions. Understanding how these factors determine each individual’s unique point of view will give you a more accurate mental model of that person, which will help you see opportunities for alignment.

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This is practicing what is known as “cognitive empathy.” This type of empathy invites us to step into the shoes of another, to understand their web of beliefs and emotional landscape. Practicing cognitive empathy can turn a fiery debate into a constructive dialogue, enabling us to appreciate the reasons behind a family member's support for Trump, even if we don’t agree.

The practice of cognitive empathy is important, but equally important is the act of sharing your perspectives when they can help steer our collective future toward greater good. However, doing so can very easily trigger amygdala hijack and a polarization cycle. If each impassioned plea for reason seems to ricochet off an invisible ideological shield, then you can assume your conversation partner is locked in a System 1 state of mind, and you must engineer a System 2 state if you want to get through to them or, at least, emerge from the conversation relatively unscathed.

Our words have great influence when used strategically, with the power to either bridge divides or widen them. Careful selection of language can pivot a disagreement from adversarial to collaborative. Effective persuasion leverages the subtleties of language, the psychology of the audience, and narrative.

Consider a scenario where two people are engaged in a discussion that turns into a debate and one of them feels compelled to point out a flaw in another's understanding.

A direct approach might be to say, “What you don’t understand is… (e.g., the issue is more complex than you realize).” Such framing, especially with the use of "you," can inadvertently feel confrontational, suggesting a challenge to the listener's intelligence or worldview.

A more psychologically sensitive approach could be to shift from the individual-specific "you" to the more inclusive "people" or "we."

For instance, “What many people might not see is…” or “What we often overlook is...” Instead of insinuating a personal deficiency or oversight, it proposes a broader human tendency. Framing things this way positions the perspective not as a critique but as a shared revelation. It hints at a collective journey of discovery, inviting collaboration and co-creation.

By transforming the narrative in this way, you are no longer the ideological enemy, but a friend wanting to show them something interesting that enlightened your perspective, which used to be something like theirs in the past. Such linguistic choices, subtle yet affecting, can pave the way for resolution.

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Highlight areas of agreement, no matter how small. This creates a foundation from which you can both build. When Uncle Bob goes on about Hunter Biden and how he’s a criminal, acknowledge the truth of those statements. This will make them far more likely to concede to truths about Trump’s corruption.

Using open-ended questions that don't have a straightforward “yes” or “no” answer can help move someone into a more contemplative state. For instance, "What led you to that conclusion?" invites reflection and dialogue and fosters a System 2 state.

Lastly, know when to let go. Not every conversation needs to reach the shore of agreement. Sometimes, it's enough to sail alongside each other, even if your destinations differ. Accept that some political discussions, like oceans, are vast and deep, and it's okay to navigate them without seeking conquest.

Incorporating these strategies into your holiday interactions can help transform political discourse from a source of stress to an opportunity for growth. As you sit around the table this holiday season, remember that beneath the cacophony of clashing opinions lies the quiet hum of your shared humanity. With the right approach, discussing politics with your family, even about figures as divisive as Trump, can be a journey of connection rather than a voyage into the eye of the storm.

After all, isn't the holiday spirit about coming together? What could be better than the warmth of shared laughter, the rich tapestry of family history and the nuanced dance of a conversation that's both kind, candid and constructive.

After all, this is the season of miracles.

Bobby Azarian is a cognitive neuroscientist and the author of the book The Romance of Reality: How the Universe Organizes Itself to Create Life, Consciousness, and Cosmic Complexity. He is also a blogger for Psychology Today and the creator of the Substack Road to Omega. Follow him on X and Instagram @BobbyAzarian.