Right Winger Incensed Because Harry Potter Character Dumbledore Is Gay

This post, written by Clif, originally appeared on Sadly No!

When Don Surber, the brightest guy in West Virginia and the dimmest guy in journalism, read that Albus Dumbledore was gay, he was beside himself. He spit a partially-chewed Slim Jim Moonpie on his computer monitor and tossed an almost full can of Fanta Grape soda RC Cola across the room in a rage unparalleled since he heard that the Dukes of Hazzard was being canceled. So Don cleaned off his monitor, saving the larger bits of the Slim Jim Moonpie for later consumption, and fired up an outraged blog post for the Charleston Daily Mail:

The author of the Harry Potter books told an audience at Carnegie Hall that Albus Dumbledore, master wizard and Headmaster of Hogwarts, is gay. He's also a fictional character.

I'm not quite sure why Don added the last sentence. Maybe he's worried that his readers were scared off by all the multisyllabic words in the Potter books and might have no idea who Albus Dumbledore is. Or, more likely, he was making the subtle metaphysical point that fictional characters can't be gay; they are, you know, just make believe and can't really have sex. Betcha didn't know that Don had been brushing up on Jacques Derrida lately, did you?

Anyway, the gay thing wasn't what had Don most outraged:

"Dumbledore is gay," the author responded to gasps and applause. Why would people applaud?

OMG. They applauded. Instead, Rowling should have been herded off the stage by an angry mob and, if not stoned or pushed over a cliff, at least put on a plane and sent back to that homo-ridden country of hers.

Why would it be necessary to have this as a back story?

Apparently all that brushing up on Derrida has turned Don into a literary critic in addition to simply being a loopy wingnut blogger. Don also wants to know why on earth Melville had to make Captain Ahab one-legged. And who the fuck ever heard of a white whale anyway?