Happy National Asteroid Awareness week everybody! You've probably seen the fabulous NBC miniseries, of which internal promotions cried: "Critics call it 'Unbelievable!'" You can't make stuff up like this. God, the special effects were so cheesy, I'm surprised they didn't fed ex a box of crackers to every home in America to watch it with. Then the recent announcement by scientists citing evidence that a gargantuan asteroid (bigger than Rush Limbaugh's caftan) slammed into the Gulf of Mexico 65 million years ago, and ended life as the Dinosaurs knew it. So to keep that from happening again, the widespread panic and all, we here at Team Durst, as a public service, hereby present to you the wary public, important major asteroid warning signs which various eminent scientists have proclaimed as useless.Fiery hail the size of small dogs crushes roof on cloudless day.Fast approaching shadow which gets bigger really quick, and your brother in law is still at work.Looting by priests.Radium dial watch blows up on wrist.Alexander Haig comes on television to announce "I'm in control."Meter maids do not stop to write parking tickets. Whole fleet of Cushmans tearing ass out of town. Psychic Friends Network originates from abandoned missile silo. Will Durst thinks an oil field is a bad place to hang during an asteroid attack.