The 7 Worst Things That Happened This Week: Cheney Unapologetic After Torture Report

If you’re a feeling person, chances are you’re still reeling with horror over the CIA torture report, the 600-page “Fuck You” to now debunked American values. But not everyone had a beef with years of anal sadism that accomplished exactly nothing. In an interview with NPR, Former Vice President Dick Cheney once again lived up to his nickname and said he had no sympathy for the detainees and would do it all over again. He shot back at criticism on ABC News: “What are we supposed to do? Kiss [the architect of the attacks] on two cheeks?” (What - you wouldn’t make the jump from a friendly greeting to shooting pureed hummus up someone’s rectum?!) Sandy Rios, a Fox News contributor who has her french-tipped tentacles in plenty of far-right garbage bins, also failed to see the problem with the report. On her radio show, she said she doesn’t mind torture, and this whole hullaballoo is really just a distraction from Obamacare anyway. Rios also admitted that she didn’t actually read the report - and given her fondness for slamming people like Eric Garner, she is no stranger to not reading things.

We must save our valiant men from rape-shrieking drama queens

As the account of the gang-rape at the center of Rolling Stone’s November 19 expose on UVA rape culture is called into serious question, some savvy analysts are confident the issue points to more than just unethical journalism and a college student suffering mental illness. Don’t let the fact that they’ve controlled institutional power for all of history fool you: the real victims in our society are men. Phyllis Schlafly, who famously helped knock down the Equal Rights Amendment, said the botched Rolling Stone tale proves how dangerous college is for dudes these days. “The feminists are perfectly glad to make false accusations and then claim all men are capable of some dastardly deed like rape,” Schlafly notes about a crime that usually goes unreported. Bill Frezza, who bravely chronicled the “decline and fall of entitlement democracy” at Forbes before getting canned, agreed that anti-rape movement is akin to the Salem With Trials. Meanwhile, Christina Hoff Summers of conservative think tank AEI tweeted that there is obviously a “false accusation culture” on American campuses - much to the delight of her patchy-bearded #GamerGate disciples.

Cancer patients chattering about money hurts Shell Oil’s feelings

After Shell Oil contaminated their soil with benzene, residents of Carson, California began to develop serious cancers and blood disorders. For this whoopsie-daisy, Shell agreed in November to dole out $90 million to the 1500 residents who live in the track most affected. (The settlement only pans out to $60,000 per-head before taxes or lawyers fees.) Still, Shell kinda wishes it never agreed to this and thinks it doesn’t seem fair anymore: on Friday, an attorney for the company told a judge that they should no longer be on the hook for the $90 mil since the settlement wasn’t kept secret. After all, it’s a slippery slope. If every cancer patient whose life Shell has ruined started to whine about money for medical bills, how could Shell afford any politicians?!

Burger King will preserve its wealth for the Burger Prince

A report released this week by Americans for Tax Fairness shows that Burger King will be costing us between $400 million and $1.2 billion over the next few years, whether you eat their shitty burgers or not. As a result of an unusual merger deal with their newly acquired Canadian company, Tim Hortons, top BK shareholders are poised to hang onto hundreds of millions in eased capital gains taxes between now and 2018. Unfortunately, though, this simply isn’t enough to pay workers ethically - the American public will continue to pay out approximately $356 million each year to supplement the poverty wages of BK employees. Still, Burger King swears this dirtbag deal had nothing to do with taxes - they’re just, like, really into Canada right now.

Gays cause natural disasters, so vote for Bobby Jindal 

Louisiana Governor and Presidential-desperate Bobby Jindal is taking a cue from fellow dicksack Rick Perry by launching his national campaign with a stadium prayer rally in Baton Rouge. But there seem to be a few things off about the spirit of the gathering. As the Bible-citing creep-asses behind the event note on their website, America’s biggest threat is its own moral degradation. They allege that God’s wrath at our widespread acceptance of homosexuality caused Hurricane Katrina and other environmental cataclysms of the past decade (which is far more believable than that climate baloney peddled by 97% of scientists.) Still, it’s no surprise they’re backing Jindal, whose Old Testament street cred includes a penchant for literal floods - as Governor, he’s has opposed lawsuits to halt coastal erosion in Louisiana even as his state slips further and further into the sea. 

It’s now easier than ever to adopt your own congressperson! 

Congress managed to narrowly avoid another shut-down by squeaking through a budget Tuesday night - but not without a few deals with devils. One snippet bravely addressed the grave injustice that there simply isn’t enough monied interest in politics. The bill allows donors to triple down on individual Party donations in additional money divvied out to specialized convention committees. (Noooooo, this money isn’t for the Republican National Committee…it’s for a committee that runs the Republican National Convention. See the difference, dummy?!) This essentially raises the annual contribution caps by a factor of ten. As reported by the Washington Post, Adam Smith of Every Voice boiled down the implications here pretty clearly: “Very few people can write checks almost twice the size of the country’s median income, but that’s what this provision will allow. It gives the biggest donors another opportunity to influence politics and buys them more access to politicians.” At least the megarich can be trusted to vote for the right reasons. 

Wall Street courageously refuses to learn from its mistakes

You think unfettered campaign contributions were all that was wrong with the spending bill? Sorry to disappoint you. The final version also makes it a lot easier for big banks to keep making investments with the confidence of knowing any shitty guesses on their part will be reimbursed with public tax money. Why does this makes advocacy groups like Americans for Financial Reform go ballistic? Because it’s finance’s bad bets that drilled our country so deep into economic quagmire in the first place. The pro-bank add-on was tossed into the mammoth funding bill just before the deadline. Let’s hope the Citigroup lobbyists who wrote the measure didn’t spend too much taxpayer money on their celebratory bar tab.