5 Right-Wing Lunacies This Week: Trump Spews a 'Fruit Salad' of Crazy

We could easily write an opus just listing the crazy things Donald J. Trump has vomited out this week; hell, even in the last two days. Earlier in the week, it was the priceless nugget after his victory in Nevada, “I love the poorly educated,” a saying that should be embroidered in gold thread on a throw pillow in Mar-a-Lago. Really one for the ages. Who says something like that? The Trumpster, that’s who. So, we’ll start with a few Trump gems and move on from there as everyone else on the rightward flank tried to keep up.

1. Trump compares Rubio to an inanimate object.

After the MarcoBot awoke from his trance and landed some blows on the Don in this week’s Republican debate, Trump has relentlessly attacked both his newly invigorated young rival and the press, which provided Rubio with a good deal of his opposition research.

There are plenty of extremely valid reasons to attack Rubio—like his being a bellicose, science-denying, anti-choice extremist for starters—but Trump’s favorite insult for the Florida senator is also the most lowbrow and race-baiting. It also fits right in with the Trumpster's weird obsession with bodily functions. Trump apparently cannot get over how much Rubio sweats. He has previously suggested that anyone who sweats as much as Rubio would not be able to hold his own in a negotiation with Trump’s fanboy Vladimir Putin.

On the campaign trail Friday in Fort Worth, Texas, Trump dramatically poured a glass of water out, while mocking Rubio’s admittedly awkward, infamous State of the Union water break. After speaking for about 15 minutes, the reality star held up a water bottle while yelling, "It's Rubio!" He then poured some water out, took a quick sip and tossed the bottle over his shoulder, looking very pleased with himself.

His fans went wild, among them the poorly educated, whom he loves dearly.

2. Ben Carson’s “fruit salad” of life experiences has given him some really bad ideas.

On the one hand, we almost want to write Ben Carson a thank-you note for staying in the race and providing some unintentional comic relief during the hysterical shouting match that was the Republican debate. Saying he would look at the “fruit salad” of a Supreme Court nominee's life to determine if that person is qualified, is just a gift to the tweeters and meme-makers of the world. Thank you, Dr. Carson, you shouldn’t have. And begging to be attacked so that he might speak bore the hallmarks of some genuine comic timing, even if it was a bit whiny.

But the doctor did manage to remind us of how deeply objectionable he is earlier this week when he suggested that President Obama is not really black. Of course, this is the opposite of the usually right-wing charge of the president being too black, and not really American, a kind of Muslim Manchurian candidate, who “knows just exactly what he is doing” when he sets about destroying our beloved country, according to the MarcoBot. But Carson instead opted to question the president’s black credentials, because as everyone knows, there is only one way to be black.

Carson explained to Politico reporter Glenn Rush that saying Obama can relate to “the experience of black Americans is a bit of a stretch” because the president was “raised white” and he “didn’t grow up like I grew up, by any stretch of the imagination. Not even close.”

In the world according to Ben, being authentically black apparently means coming to the same heartless conclusion as Carson, which is that government programs that help feed poor children, as he once was, are bad.

The guy is all heart.

3. Fox Newsian: Asking Donald Trump for his tax return is discrimination against rich people.

No, seriously, Kimberly Guilfoyle really did say this. She and her other co-hosts from “The Five” were discussing this terrible miscarriage of justice—the fact that Mitt Romney suggested there might be a bombshell in Donald Trump’s unreleased tax returns, and that now everyone is all over his case to release them. The Donald has come up with various reasons not to produce them, including the hilarious statement that the IRS picks on him because he’s such a strong Christian. One suspects the real secret the Donald is hiding is that he is not nearly as wealthy as he makes himself out to be, which is the only revelation in the universe that could bring the shameless reality star the remotest sense of shame.

But Guilfoyle and equally idiotic Eric Bolling just think it is so mean—so, so rude—to ask the Donald to produce his tax returns. Co-host Dana Perino tried to explain that the office of the presidency is that of a public servant, not the gold-plated throne from which to order decrees that Trump imagines it to be, and pointed out that although taxes are “complicated for [insert the word rich] people,” they would likely be an issue in the general election.

Juan Williams pointed out that Donald’s taxes are “relevant right now.”

Guilfoyle jumped all over that, whining, “What about discrimination, Juan?”

Huh?

“Against rich people,” Guilfoyle said. “And one percenters. Nobody ever asks to see the poor—it's so rude."

So rude. Poor people get all the breaks.

4. Okay, okay, back to Trump, who has given us new insight into how he will govern.

Trump was hopping mad at the things Marco Rubio brought up about him in the debate. Like the fact that he builds things using foreign labor, and that most of his wealth stems from the fact that he inherited money from his daddy, and that his Trump University is a predatory scam. Where did Rubio get these talking points? From the dastardly media, which Trump likes when it is doing his bidding and doesn’t like when it writes those mean articles about him.

At a rally in Texas afterward, Trump opened his mouth and started talking. This is, or course, part of his appeal, that he does not appear ever to prepare the things he says, and sometimes ends up saying things he’s said many, many times before, and sometimes says something completely new, crazy and scary, for instance, that he’d like to punch a protester in the face. When Trump is elected, he told the cheering poorly educated hordes, “One of the things I’m gonna do, and this is only gonna make it tougher for me, and I’ve never said this before, but one of the things I’m gonna do if I win… is I’m gonna open up our libel laws so when they write purposely negative and horrible and false articles, we can sue them and win lots of money. We’re gonna open up those libel laws."

Yeah, he’s going to make some minor adjustments to that whole First Amendment thing. Not his favorite amendment. He much prefers the Second Amendment.

He sputtered on. “With me, they’re not protected, because I’m not like other people… We’re gonna open up those libel laws, folks, and we’re gonna have people sue you like you never get sued before.”

So much suing to do. Because that’s what leaders do. They sue.

5. Glenn Beck has perfectly sensible prediction for what will happen if either Clinton or Rubio get elected.

Hahahahaha. Just kidding.

The emotionally overwrought radio host is all in for Ted Cruz and he is seriously worried about the dire consequences to the nation if his man does not get in that Oval Office.

And his man is not getting in that Oval Office.

Stumping for his pal Ted in Nevada earlier this week, Beck told the crowd that things are already really bad, because the Constitution is hanging by a thread, and with the death of Antonin Scalia, “that thread has been cut.”

But if Cruz doesn’t win, Beck darkly predicted that a variety of “isms” could ensue, and that violent revolution would result in 10 years if either Hillary Clinton or Marco Rubio wins the presidency. Why will it take 10 years? Dunno.

You have four options, Beck told the crowd.

The first option is, of course, the dreaded socialism, which the crowd booed and Beck said would lead to communism. The second option is “status quo,” exemplified by Rubio and Clinton, who support the current political system and say, “hey, it’s working for me.”

“Listen to me,” Beck told the crowd, “that leads to violent revolution in 10 years. That’s not a good thing.”

Where is he getting information? Maybe from God, who also told Ted Cruz he should be president.

The Trump option, Beck says, is authoritarianism, which sounds downright reasonable compared to his other assorted rantings.

Time to sharpen the pitchforks.