Devin Nunes runs into trouble as court briefing points out 'no reasonable person' believes cows can tweet

Devin Nunes runs into trouble as court briefing points out 'no reasonable person' believes cows can tweet
Image via Screengrab.

There are some things in the universe that are difficult to understand. Why do some people love black jelly beans and others hate them? Why did America reject both the Metric system and Yahoo Serious? But some facts are just so obvious there is no dispute.


In a court filing in Virginia, former Democratic National Committee employee Adam Parkhomenko puts forward an argument against Rep. David Nunes that seems, well, on face value to be unbelievable that there is any dispute. His point: cows do not have opposable thumbs, and therefore, cannot write Twitter commentary.

The Sacramento Bee covers the controversy here:

“No reasonable person would believe that Devin Nunes’ cow actually has a Twitter account, or that the hyperbole, satire and cow-related jokes it posts are serious facts,” reads the filing in Virginia’s Henrico County Circuit Court. “It is self-evident that cows are domesticated livestock animals and do not have the intelligence, language, or opposable digits needed to operate a Twitter account. Defendant ‘Devin Nunes’ Mom’ likewise posts satirical patronizing, nagging, mothering comments which ostensibly treat Mr. Nunes as a misbehaving child.”

This response is related to a lawsuit by Rep. Nunes, demanding that he know the real names behind the accounts, while several argue there is absolutely no reason to do so — they do not constitute defamation as it is obvious they are done in hyperbolic satire.

Several websites are devoted to discovering and discussing animals who do have opposable thumbs, who can be trained to use better function of a hand. Animals like Gibbons, Gorillas, Chimpanzees, Grivets.. but absolutely no cows at all.

No word on whether or not Rep. Nunes will respond to this court filing, but it is clearly obvious that a cow will not.

Because, again, they don’t have thumbs. They also have a hoof covering which would make using a Twitter or court ready electronic filing device difficult.

No word yet on whether or not there are new voice translation options for bovine to tweets. I’m sure the Rep. will try to find out.

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