Is Ted Cruz Human? An Investigation
The United States government should commission a study to determine whether or not Ted Cruz is human.
Many social, political and economic crises threaten to trouble the American future, but there is an imperative to learn if an alien species, sophisticated cyborg creation or previously undiscovered genetic mutation has infiltrated the government. Stopping such an invasion might finally result in the bipartisan unity that many Republicans and Democrats claim to desire in the divided era of President Trump.
To those skeptics who believe that an inquiry into Senator Ted Cruz’s mammalian authenticity is wasteful of taxpayer dollars, I can only identify the causes for concern.
During the 2016 Presidential primaries, Donald Trump insinuated that Ted Cruz’s father participated in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. He also implied that Cruz’s wife is ugly and threatened, presumably, to reveal details surrounding her struggle against depression. Cruz’s immediate reaction was to strongly denounce and attack Trump, calling him a “sniveling coward.”
At some point, the wiring inside Cruz’s steel cranium went faulty, or maybe it was only after Cruz’s initial statement that a paranormal force took residence inside his soul, but now Cruz embraces Trump to the point of defending his dangerous behavior and reckless rhetoric. Cruz’s comfort with the man who demeaned his wife and slandered his father demonstrates an odd and disturbing lack of human emotion and attachment.
After witnessing the devastation of tropical storm Harvey, Cruz called for federal aid to assist the city of Houston and its surrounding suburbs. In 2013, Cruz voted against the allocation of federal funds to help New Jersey residents in the immediate aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. When Katy Tur, undoubtedly a human, challenged Cruz on the inconsistency during an interview on MSNBC, he admonished her for using a time of tragedy for “political sniping.” Cruz’s incomprehensible actions show a strange and worrisome lack of self-awareness. It appears that, unlike confirmed members of the human species, he is not conscious of how he presents himself to others.
Despite the protests of the incoherent populism currently the rage in American politics, the adage, “people get the leaders they deserve,” at least in a democracy, is largely true. If the public, due to their own ignorance, elects a bad human as leader, they will have to live with the consequences. Cruz might prove the exceptional demolition to the rule. Human beings, at a minimum, deserve human representation.
While scientists, with full funding from the federal government, examine blood, bone and skin samples from Cruz and closely examine his brain activity for signs of outside influence, Americans might want to consider the broader implications of human representation.
All human beings have destructive instincts and impulses toward violence, exploitation and cruelty, but with the exception of sociopaths and psychopaths, everyone also is naturally empathic, sensitive and generous to suffering people, especially when those people are the victims of events beyond their control.
Ted Cruz, in his advocacy for governmental intervention in Texas, shows encouraging signs of humanity, but his alarming reaction to Hurricane Sandy illustrates the possibility of deprogramming. Certain ideologies appear to deprogram human beings, no longer allowing them to operate according to their instincts.
Disaster relief is an obvious opportunity for human charity and solidarity, but less dramatic examples of human misfortune also demand an outpouring of social and political efforts of alleviation.
Few humans of conscience could idly observe the theft of medicine from people living with physical and intellectual disabilities without attempting to stop it, but most members of the Republican Party have dedicated themselves to authorizing reductions in Medicaid funding that would create the same consequence.
It is a challenge to imagine anyone, except for the most vicious sadist, poisoning the drinking water of children and poor families, but through systemic and routine neglect of safety standards, ecology and public infrastructure, a slow and steady poison has occurred in Flint, Michigan and East Chicago, Indiana.
Who but the villains of Dickens novels would demand women return to work within weeks, or even days, of giving birth, rather than letting their bodies recuperate while they spend precious time with their babies? Any conservative politician who opposes mandatory paternity leave.
Investigators of the Cruz-Human mystery should pay close attention to footage from the 2016 primary. Cruz, in an almost convincing attempt to impersonate emotion, declares with anger that the “world is on fire.” A young girl in the audience, too immature to realize that she is watching an exhibition of inhuman insanity, begins to cry and asks, “The world is on fire?”
Nearly any human would attempt to comfort and console the crying child. Cruz’s circuitry could not respond to the nuance of the situation, and he answered, “Yes! Your world is on fire.” It is fascinating that Cruz, while watching a child cry, personalizes the threat, substituting the word “your” for “the.”
Cruz is especially grimy and odious, but any observer of public policy debate in the United States is aware that most Republicans in Congress and the executive branch have become adept at ignoring the signs of human suffering.