Samantha Bee Nails Jeff Sessions and the Trump Administration's Sadistic War on Drugs

As all of America prepared for James Comey’s testimony Thursday before the Senate intelligence committee, “Full Frontal” host Samantha Bee pivoted and dedicated most of her show Wednesday to the war on drugs the Trump White House is reviving.


“While the legislative branch’s baby proofing is holding up, the executive side still offers Donald Trump unfettered access to all the matches, oily rags and flammable chemicals he needs to burn down society. His latest co-arsonist? Apple-cheeked hate-goblin Jefferson Beauregard Sessions,” Bee said to start her monologue.

The late-night comedian then told an appropriate phallic joke that perfectly encapsulates the problem with mandatory minimums:

“Sessions doesn’t realize that prison sentences aren’t like penises. Longer isn’t always better. 7 inches, sure. 56 inches? That is not good for anyone.”

Bee argued that the worst weapon in the decade-long war on drugs has been mandatory sentences, “America’s worst idea since mandatory farmer jobs,” she said.

“Nobody knows why Jefferson is obsessed with his war on drugs,” Bee added. “Maybe he just likes reenacting old battles that he lost. Or maybe that it stems from the time he experimented with a mysterious drug that wound up shrinking him to his current fun-size stature. Whatever the reason, Sessions insists his one-handcuff policy is the answer to the opioid epidemic.”

The former “Daily Show” correspondent had to reference “Harry Potter” when she addressed the attorney general personally to ender her monologue.

“Nobody’s with you on your make America incarcerated again, Dobby,” Bee said. “Let’s hope that today’s rumors are true and that your cranky boss is about to throw a dirty sock at you and set you free — otherwise we are going to have a crowded Azkaban.”

Enjoy this piece?

… then let us make a small request. AlterNet’s journalists work tirelessly to counter the traditional corporate media narrative. We’re here seven days a week, 365 days a year. And we’re proud to say that we’ve been bringing you the real, unfiltered news for 20 years—longer than any other progressive news site on the Internet.

It’s through the generosity of our supporters that we’re able to share with you all the underreported news you need to know. Independent journalism is increasingly imperiled; ads alone can’t pay our bills. AlterNet counts on readers like you to support our coverage. Did you enjoy content from David Cay Johnston, Common Dreams, Raw Story and Robert Reich? Opinion from Salon and Jim Hightower? Analysis by The Conversation? Then join the hundreds of readers who have supported AlterNet this year.

Every reader contribution, whatever the amount, makes a tremendous difference. Help ensure AlterNet remains independent long into the future. Support progressive journalism with a one-time contribution to AlterNet, or click here to become a subscriber. Thank you. Click here to donate by check.

Close