If You Want a Job With Team Trump, Shave Your Mustache

Election '16

Need a job? Have a certain look? Then have your agent contact team Trump and you too could land a job in the White House! 

Donald Trump believes that those who aspire to the most visible spots in his administration should not just be able to do the job, but also look the part.

Given Trump’s own background as a master brander and showman who ran beauty pageants as a sideline, it was probably inevitable that he would be looking beyond their résumés for a certain aesthetic in his supporting players.

Yep. Unpresidented-elect Trump is picking people based on their looks. Meaning we will soon have a “rugged” general running the Pentagon, a “poised and elegant” ambassador to the United Nations, a secretary of state with “silvery hair and boardroom bearing” … because Trump is “a showbiz guy” who is more interested in the “demeanor and the swagger.” Trump is also—according to a source granted anonymity to reveal this breaking news—“very aesthetic.” 

We also learn that there is good news for ladies:

People close to Trump said he has been eager to appoint a telegenic woman as press secretary or in some other public-facing role in his White House — both because he thinks it would attract viewers and would help inoculate him from the charges of sexism that trailed his presidential campaign.

Attract viewers? Oy vey.

The only good news out of this mind-boggling mess? Madman John Bolton apparently missed his (second) chance to help destroy the world because of his “brush-like mustache.”

“Donald was not going to like that mustache,” said one associate, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to speak frankly. 

So you can take comfort in that. (Or drive an ice pick into your ear as you contemplate the next four years of “showbiz.”)

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