Satanists Are Furious That Boehner Compared Ted Cruz to the Dark Lord

On Wednesday night, former House Speaker John Boehner bluntly called GOP candidate Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh.”


When asked for his opinion about the Texas senator, Boehner said, “I have Democrat friends and Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life.”

It turns out that the Satanic Temple agrees with Boehner’s sentiments—but they said there’s no way Cruz is the living incarnate of Satan.

When asked by the Friendly Atheist, Satanic Temple spokesman Lucien Greaves bashed Cruz.

“Cruz’s failures of reason, compassion, decency, and humanity are products of his Christian pandering, if not an actual Christian faith,” Greaves responded. “It grows tedious when pedophile priests and loathsome politicians are conveniently dismissed as Satanic, even as they spew biblical verse and prostrate themselves before the cross, recruiting the Christian faithful. Satanists will have nothing to do with any of them.”

The Satanic Temple is comprised of non-theistic activists who eschew religion and adhere to a set of humanistic tenets that promote compassion and reason.

Earlier this week, their Detroit chapter scuttled anti-abortion protests by performing street theater in macabre baby masks, wearing BDSM gear and denouncing “fetal idolatry.”

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