5 Right-Wing Absurdities This Week: Fiorina Terrifies Children Nationwide

Election '16

The week was overflowing with right-wing assholery mixed with a generous dollop of buffoonery. As Trump’s inevitability grew stronger, he launched his sexist Hillary-bashing campaign in earnest. He also very presidentially described John Kasich’s eating habits as “disgusting,” one of his favorite adjectives, and one we can expect him to employ frequently about Clinton if, say, she has the audacity to eat or have a body.

Then there was Carly Fiorina’s bizarre musical press conference, an attempt to soften both her and Ted Cruz’s image that only managed to confirm how truly creepy both of them are.

Here are the lowlights from the week that was.

1. Trump pointed out the “only” thing Clinton has over him. (The answer is not a brain, or actual knowledge.)

Being a woman, as we all know, involves having a card that you can play. Anytime you try to do something, while simultaneously being a woman, you are playing that card. Cooking, cleaning and applying makeup do not involve playing that card, but speaking, having opinions or being ambitious definitely do.

Hillary Clinton, we now know, is in possession of this super powerful card. Donald is not. And that makes him mad. He does not appreciate other people having things he does not have. It’s not fair.

Trump had scarcely finished trouncing his Republican opponents on Tuesday when he denounced his Democratic rival for "playing the woman’s card.” Clinton wouldn’t, he said, “get 5 percent of the vote” if she were a man.

Interesting math. Wonder how he figured. The universe rolled its eyes. Chris Christie’s wife appeared to roll her eyes, although Christie later denied this, saying he should know how his wife looks when she rolls her eyes. Hillary Clinton laughed and continued to survey her cards.

So much to look forward to in the coming months.

2. Donald Trump’s sexism unleashes even worse GOP haters, like this guy.

As if to immediately prove the fact that Donald Trump’s rhetoric does indeed bring out the absolute worst in people, meet Bob Sutton, chairman of the Broward County GOP Executive Committee, and all-around lovely man. Mr. Sutton found himself discussing the likely prospect of a Donald Trump-Hillary Clinton debate with the Washington Post this week, and he did so in the most dignified way possible.

“I think when Donald Trump debates Hillary Clinton she’s going to go down like Monica Lewinsky,” he told that reporter.

Nice. Think how pleased he must have been with himself when he came up with that metaphor. It’s a kneeslapper, all right.

With Trump emerging as the leader of the Republican Party, and continuing to bring out the very best in all who encounter him, we can only assume there will be much, much more of this to come. Woo hoo.

3. Carly Fiorina makes all children run and hide in terror at a press conference.

In an effort to bump up his likability and steal Trump’s thunder after Tuesday’s spanking, Ted Cruz had a very important announcement. Even though he will never be the president or even his party’s nominee, this very strange, immensely creepy lady who no one ever wanted to see again will be his fictional vice president.


We’re going to have to score this bid to make him seem like a less icky human being a complete and total fail. In fact, it is even possible that Carly Fiorina supplanted Cruz in children’s nightmares that day, when she cheerfully accepted Cruz’s offer, professed to love his whole family and began bizarrely singing something resembling a song to his young daughters. Hoo boy. We defy you to find someone whose skin did not crawl. We’re shuddering all over right now at the memory.

“How hard is it to be a normal human being?” late-night comedy host Larry Wilmore asked Fiorina rhetorically.

For Fiorina and Cruz? Very hard.

Nay, impossible.

4. Glenn Beck reacted entirely reasonably to John Boehner’s criticism of Ted Cruz.

Oh, hahahahaha. No he didn’t. He covered his face in Cheeto dust.

It was a hard week for Beck. First, his “divinely inspired” boy Ted Cruz lost all five states to Donald Trump on Tuesday, giving Cruz no realistic shot whatsoever at the nomination. Then Cruz named his vice presidential running mate anyway, the immensely likable Carly Fiorina, who sang a song that reminded everyone of an evil witch in a fairy tale. Then Cruz stunned everyone in Indiana with his stupidity about basketball. Then John Boehner made a rare appearance and told his truth about Ted, which is that he is “Lucifer in the flesh” and a “miserable son of a bitch.”

In a dazzling act of protest against the conspiracy of the orange men, Trump and Boehner, and to simulate their hue, a begoggled Beck performed a faceplant in a bowl of Cheeto dust.

Wanna see? Here’s video that will not scare the children, although it may make you lose your lunch.

5. The other idiot Palin woman spoke out in support of a terrible person.

Bristol Palin does not waste her precious blog posts on just any old thing. She wields that computer to go to bat against grave injustices. To right wrongs committed against the downtrodden, the innocents, the terribly picked-on politically incorrect. So when ESPN finally let atrocious bigot Curt Schilling go last week after he shared a wildly offensive transphobic meme, she took up his noble cause and called what he said and did “common sense.”

“Unless you’ve been under a rock, you know that Target now welcomes men into their ladies’ rooms and ESPN fired Curt Schilling for saying that ‘men are men,’" Bristol began. “Yes. That’s the kind of world we live in now.”

Her pal Curt was just speaking an “obvious truth,” she said. He was standing up “for the culture that the left tries to flush down the toilet.”

Wait, what? What culture? The culture of transphobia? The culture of bathrooms?

Who knows what thoughts are blowing around in that vacuous head of hers?

Palin went on to talk about how the network was a big old hypocrite because it had tolerated nasty comments about her beloved Tea Party—and her beloved tea partying mother—over the years.

Bristol Palin is out there defending “the culture,” whatever the hell that means to her.

A brief and painful endnote: The horror. The horror.

There’s a talking Ann Coulter doll. It’s a thing that people can purchase for their kids, or, we suppose, for voodoo rituals.

Chuckie, move over.

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