Justin Bieber Channels His Faith in Jesus to Debunk the Big Bang Theory

It is typically intriguing of Justin Bieber to choose cosmology for his first foray into scientific debunking, when many feel he could provide a more elegant rebuke to Darwinism. Either way, it’s bad news for Cern (Twitter followers: 1.24 million) as Justin (Twitter followers: 68 million) finally starts using his power for good – in this case, to explain how ludicrous the so-called origins of the universe are.

“I’m the type of dude who always wants to figure it out,” explains the What Do U Mean hitmaker. “Science makes a lot of sense,” he concedes. Or does he? “Then I start thinking — wait, the ‘big bang’. For a ‘big bang’ to create all this is more wild to think about than thinking about there being a God. Imagine putting a bunch of gold into a box, shaking up the box, and out comes a Rolex. It’s so preposterous once people start saying it.”

Word. I think I read somewhere that the watchmaker was blind, but maybe we need to accept that he was just wearing really limited-edition Wayfarers.

Anyway, where was I? Or rather, where was Justin? The answer to that, he’ll have you know, is “in a good place”. In case you have been preoccupied with the various fripperies of the news pages, you won’t have failed to notice that the world is being gifted Bieber 3.0 at present, with the star anxious to use all media appearances to declare the coming of his third age. First he was a teen pop sensation; then he was a bad boy; now he is at a point in his evolution – and I don’t mean to use a curse-word there – where he is no longer going to hide the fact that Jesus is his salvation.

Consequently, Justin has granted a lengthy interview to a mag called Complex – which seems anything but – where he ruminates on Christianity. Or what we might more accurately call Christianity featuring Justin Bieber. Before you get turned off, Justin is keen to differentiate himself from the more unpalatable adherents of the faith. “I think that with Christians,” he explains, “they’ve left such a bad taste in people’s mouths.”

What he is offering, it seems, is a Bieber version of that old standard. And the bravery of his position doesn’t escape him. “I think that people, as soon as they start hearing me saying I’m a Christian, they’re like, ‘Whoa, Justin, back up, take a step back.’ Also, I do not want to shove this down anyone’s throat. I just wanna honestly live like Jesus. Not be Jesus — I could never — I don’t want that to come across weird.”

You never could, Justin. Anyone who can tour the Anne Frank Museum and write in the guest book “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber” could never come across weird.

In a sense, Justin is disestablishing himself – and perhaps his Beliebers, too. “Like I said,” reasons Justin. “You don’t need to go to church to be a Christian. If you go to Taco Bell, that doesn’t make you a taco.”

ARE YOU LISTENING, DAWKINS? Answer that and stay fashionable.

As for other highlights of this landmark interview … Well, there’s Bieber’s reverence for his own renaissance-man accomplishments – “I was the only person in my school who was skateboarding and on the basketball team.”

And at this moment in America’s social history, it is necessary – however painful – to hear another heartrending story of excessive police force. Justin takes time to revisit the occasion last year on which he was arrested for late night drag-racing in a Lamborghini in Miami, an apparent injustice upon which we’ll slap the hashtag #BieberNightlifeMatters. According to Justin, the officer in question went way too far when he asked him to put his hands on the Lamborghini roof.

His thoughts that night were like so many young men of his age, it seems: “I felt it, dude. Oh right, they’re trying to get me now at any cost.” As for his 24 hours of incarceration following the incident, most likely there will be those of you who imagine that a night in the cells with the real crims was a testing experience for a 21-year-old pop brat rapidly coming to the understanding that cool is not for sale. But honestly, Justin can’t tell you how wrong you are. According to the singer, his fellow inmates were yelling: “Bieber! We love you! Aye! Keep your head up, bro!” Of course they were. I’ve seen Miami Vice. I know what goes on. “It was kind of funny to hear that,” recalls a self-deprecating Justin, “especially from cats in jail.”

So there you have it. He touches all – from his 68 million Beliebers to guys who’ll literally get arrested for criminal assault and battery just to tell him how much Boyfriend spoke to them. The Justin Bieber Rapture is upon us: let us pray we all get swept up.


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