'Amusing Ourselves to Death' Part 3: The Story of Donald Trump

The following is Part 3 of 'Amusing Ourselves to Death: The Story of Trump' by Colin Greer (Read Part One and Part Two)


TRUMP is on a gurney.  HE has survived the faux attempt on his life and is being moved to a recovery ward.  SARAH is holding his hand.  HE opens an eye, SHE winks at him, HE whispers.

TRUMP

We did good!  

PALIN

Big time!  You rest up now.  You had a close call, remember that.  Macho it up if you like but a little PTSD would be good.

TRUMP

I’m speaking to the nation in an hour or so.

PALIN

You bet’cha! Can’t wait!  Catch ya’ later.  

SHE leaves.

Lights down and up on TRUMP in front of TV cameras, addressing the nation.

TRUMP

Good morning, America!  I know it’s 4 o’clock in the afternoon, but for you and for me, it’s a new day.  I have seen what can be seen, and I’m ready.

I gotta tell you though, being in a hospital teaches you about the health care system.  Even the nurse was a bully.  In business you learn about the customer—not here!  She insisted on this and that.  We deserve better.  America deserves better.  I told her, and she was lost for words, so I said, “That’s a great start.  You stay right there!  I know you’re lost for words.  That’s a good location for you right now.”

That’s what a leader does…clear, direct, knows what he’s doing.  

So while I was lying back there, grazed, not killed, thank God.  They say I was in a kind of coma.  Whatever it was, I saw things that convinced me I’m on the right track.  You’ll be blown away when I tell you about what I learned.  Started out, I guess I thought I was dead or something, and Ronald Reagan came to me.  It wasn’t a dream...I could feel him right next to me, sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for me to wake.  When I did, he smiled that smile of his, and I could see myself in him.  My smile in that smile!  It was like I was being anointed.

People out there know I’m not a religious man.  I respect religion.  I’m kind of like Paul…you know, that saint on the way to Tarsus.  I was visited by one of America’s great saints.  I was redeemed of any doubt about what I’m supposed to be doing.  I’m on the “yellow brick road,” folks, to bring America back to greatness.

The three things I learned in that coma that I want to tell you about.  I don’t have positions on policy to bring you.  I bring you the possibility of greatness.  I will study what I have to when I need to. There’s no subject I won’t know more about than anybody knows about it in less than 24 hours.  That’s the first thing you can count on.  

HE holds up the fingers of one hand and then points his index finger.

Second…the second thing I want to say (HE raises his hand again and points two fingers.)  I am far and away the smartest person in this campaign.  I am smart like Americans are smart…not like Europeans or Harvard graduates.  I went to Penn—it’s an Ivy.  I could be smart in a fancy school, but I’m smart in the street.  I’ve run casinos, I’ve gone toe to toe with gangsters.  I’ve got moxy.  America needs a shot of my moxy.

Third…I want to tell you about what really matters.  People say I’m not presidential because I can’t tell you the difference between Hezbolla and Hamas.  What’s the difference, they ask me?  I tell you now, I don’t know yet…but when I need to know I will.  But what I ask and they don’t ask is what’s the same about them…what do they have in common?  Ronald Reagan just taught me about asking that question.  The answer is, they hate us.  They hate America.  That’s what matters.

America is how I decide what matters.  What’s good for America?  And now because of a stupid bullet fired by a crazy man, I’ve got Ronald Reagan in my corner to keep me on the side of America.  

A word about what doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t matter that New York City has bike lanes.  Bikes are for losers.  Every American should have a car.  It doesn’t matter that Americans don’t have as many vacations as Europeans.  Every American should have a chance to work hard, really hard.  I know what doesn’t matter, and I will prove every day for at least 8 years, like you wouldn’t believe.

Fellow Americans, I’m back, and I’m here to stay.  President Reagan told me to watch out for Trojan Horses.  You all know he loved horses, but not that one.  You gotta be careful not to jump into the sack with just anyone.  You want someone with body, soul, and spirit.  Like I said, I’m not a religious man, but I’ve been saved.  Now I can see my face on that mountain with Jefferson and Reagan.  When a nation carves a man’s face into a rock, you know that man has soul and spirit…he’s a winner!

Welcome to my life, America!  

HE sings.

“Nothing comes from nothing.

Nothing ever could.

Ever since my youth and childhood,

Everything I’ve done is good.”

Like you wouldn’t believe!

One last thing about Ronald Reagan. He said I was gonna be like him and Roosevelt and Washington.  And that people would want me to be king.  He told me how he was once with Queen Elizabeth in Buckingham Palace.  That’s when he knew the difference between England and America.  He told me, when it was appropriate, that I really had to understand the difference between a president and a king. And I will.

Good morning, America!

Oh, and P.S.  I just want to assure everyone that my idea about slavery is truly equal opportunity.  Any debt you can’t pay gets you in.  And illegals can do this instead of being deported but for aliens it’s gonna be 10 years.

No one else this smart in this campaign, right? Smart… and anointed.

God bless America!!

END OF STORY

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