5 Right-Wing Outrages This Week: Rudy Giuliani Causes Heads to Explode

The Right Wing

1. Rudy Giuliani stuns us again! We actually cannot get our jaw off the floor.

We thought we could no longer be shocked by Rudy, that his numerous offenses had finally inoculated us from his power to shock. But, gosh darn if America’s Mayor hasn’t done it again.

Practically any of the statements Giuliani spewed on AM970 radio this week would have put him on this very prestigious list of egregious dick-heads. But there were three standouts that simply shattered the right-wing ceiling of absurdity as we know it. He’s done it. It’s gone.

First, Giuliani blamed Obama for the shooting of the police officers in Ferguson this week. This is because Obama is to blame for every crime in America, but especially those against police officers. The administration’s Justice Department has dared to investigate racist police departments, like Ferguson’s, and report on its damning findings. This is not what Obama should be doing, in Giuliani’s view. The President’s job is only to tell the world how great our cops are, how restrained and careful they are, and how they can kick all the other cops’ asses. Giuliani does not believe all the well-documented findings of racist policing in the DOJ’s Ferguson report. Those are just allegations, says the former mayor.

Then, Giuliani “commended” officer Darren Wilson for shooting Michael Brown. “Commended” seems like an odd choice of words for shooting an unarmed teen, don’t you think? Giuliani does not. He thinks it’s entirely appropriate.

The third whopper is almost comic. Giuliani suggested that Obama should be more like Bill Cosby. Yes, he did. He even acknowledged that the suggestion might sound weird, given what we now know about Bill Cosby. “I hate to say it,” Giuliani said. Do you, Rudy? Because it sounds full-on insane. Why does Giuliani think Obama should be like Cosby? Because brave moral beacon Cosby was fond of lecturing his fellow black people and reminding them that they sucked, and were the cause of their own problems. That’s the kind of black man Giuliani can get behind.

Friends of Rudy, take heed. An intervention is needed. Sit him down. Get him to understand that Jon Stewart has given him the very best advice. “Shut up, Rudy.” Just, shut up.

2. Morning Joe blames rap music for racism; Mika Brzezinski denies the whole incident despite it being on television.

“Morning Joe” Scarborough and his merry band of white people took on the topic of the notorious video of University of Oklahoma fraternity members gleefully chanting a racist song. The guys at “Morning Joe” were very, very concerned. What they are concerned about is that nice white kids like those on the tape chanting, “No n*ggers,” have been infected by evil rap music. No wonder nice white frat boys now use those awful words.

Mika Brzezinski kicked them off on the diversion from the pressing topics of racism on campus, white privilege and fraternity culture by lamenting the lyrics of Waka Flocka Flame, who canceled his upcoming campus appearance because of the racist fraternity. Waka Flocka Flame uses bad words, Mika said. Therefore he has no business criticizing those nice racist frat boys. Only lily-white talking heads get to criticize people, mostly black people, for causing racism. From there it was off to the races with everyone, especially Bill Kristol, concurring that rap music is to blame.

Brzezinski attempted damage control the next day, basically by denying that what was said actually was said. It happened, Mika. Like the frat boys, perhaps your main regret was that it was all caught on tape.

3. Andrea Tantaros: Feminists, grrrr. 

Fox Newsian Andrea Tantaros has gone on the record with her sincere and nuanced belief that America is awesome. But you know what she does not think is so awesome? Feminism, that’s what. Feminists, and Obama, of course, are ruining America, which again, is awesome.

Feminists, in Tantaros’ view, are also ruining marriage, which is almost as awesome as America, but not quite. Men are “opting out of marriage,” and it’s all feminists' fault, Tantaros opined this week. “Women have been encouraged to give it up freely with the rise of feminism, have sex like a man,” she said. “So, they’re doing this and they’re not making the guy step up to put a ring on it.”

Yeah, ladies, unstrap those dildos. Put those chastity belts back on! Force those guys to put on a ring on it. This is the recipe for everlasting marital bliss!

There was plenty of agreement at the table about marriage being on life support. Cohost Kennedy Montgomery also suggested that the dating app Tinder was also to blame.

Another group to blame for this marriage problem—and for all problems—is immigrants. So-called Fox medical contributor Dr. Manny Alvarez explained to the hosts of Outnumbered that one reason more couples are having children out of wedlock is because immigrants do not respect the institution of marriage. That is his medical opinion.

“A lot of times, it’s cultural,” Alvarez said. “There are many people coming to this country where that is a norm, where people meet, they get together, they want to have a baby. And bingo, they come back here and they don’t think about the marriage thing.”

So to recap: Marriage is being ruined by Obama. No, rap music. Because freedom. Oh dear, our right-wing brain seems to be severely misfiring.

4. Rush Limbaugh has a suggestion for a Kanye West song.

Professional ridiculous person Rush Limbaugh really enjoyed that racist Sigma Alpha Epsilon chant about not letting “n*ggers join the fraternity.” And “hanging them from a tree.” He thought it had a good beat. In fact, he has a suggestion for Kanye West. Sing that song and make a hit record.

“If this had been a song by Kim Kardashian’s husband and then he sung this song at the Grammys, it’d be a hit,” Limbaugh said. (The name Kanye West seemed to temporarily escape him.) “I’m telling you, this stuff gets awards and people that sing it are portrayed as American royalty in terms of celebrity,” Limbaugh added. “You can’t deny that.”

No, you cannot. That’s just precisely how it works. There is absolutely no difference between a black hip-hop artist with some naughty words in his vocabulary and those frat brothers with their documented and proud history of racial discrimination.

It’s so unfair: Black people get to have all the fun with racial slurs invented by whites to keep black people down. Black people get to use those words, and then they get to make money from them. That is not at all how white people intended it.

5. John McCain has a very good reason for why he signed the GOP letter to the Iranian leaders: “I sign lots of letters.”

That’s it. That’s the whole story.

OK, it’s not the whole story. McCain had a very good reason for signing. The snowstorm.

“‘It was kind of a very rapid process," McCain reflected. "Everybody was looking forward to getting out of town because of the snowstorm." 

Damn, the country missed out by not electing that genius president.

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