Meet the Ugly Men Trying to Stop "Oppressive Chocolate Capitalists” Behind Valentine's Day
At last, a revolutionary group is standing up to the tyranny of the romantic industrial complex. Based in Japan, they are known as Kakuhido, which translates literally as the Revolutionary Alliance of Men That Women Are Not Attracted To. Also known in English as the Unpopular Revolutionary League, Kakuhido will on Valentine’s Day be marching on the streets in Tokyo’s Shibuya district to protest against “oppressive chocolate capitalists”.
These intrepid, physically unattractive men have started a fire, and they must keep it blazing. Abolishing Valentine’s Day isn’t enough. Once they’ve achieved that they shouldn’t stop until the rest of commodified romance has been destroyed. It’s a significant task, and will take many forms.
So, for instance, this Saturday and for ever after, Kakuhido should ensure that any romantic M&S meal deal is emblazoned with a sticker that tacks on “(for one person)” after “2 courses for £10”. The list of ingredients will be replaced with directions to the nearest monastery or nunnery and the luxurious food photo will be covered by one of a ruined artery. Boxes of chocolates will feature before and after eating photos. The before photo will be a slim yet healthy model. The after photo will be an enormous pile of bones.
The war against romance can’t end at food, though. Enlisting the help of activist group Anonymous, Kakuhido should hack into Tinder so that everyone on it is turned into Tony Blair and the user is compelled to always swipe right when he appears. Once you swipe right you are sent justifications for the Iraq war every five minutes.
Relationship-focused dating websites can be infected with a bot that gives every member the illusion of having found the perfect match. After hours of beautiful, romantic conversation with the profile of your dreams, the bot then reveals itself, laughing at you for ever believing that another human being could share your love of “long walks and deep talks”.
Away from the internet, groups of anti-romance vigilantes must take to the streets, occupying known High Romance Areas (or HRAs). Dressed as a sad clown, a Kakuhido member will chain himself up inside a pod on the London Eye and tell visiting couples the ceaseless story of his failed marriage. If anyone looks as though they are about to propose the clown shouts, “Weren’t you listening?” and bursts into tears. Any ground that sits directly underneath mistletoe must be annexed.
Anti-romance revolutionaries should head to known mini-break destinations with loudspeakers in order to impersonate John Hannah’s reading of Funeral Blues from Four Weddings and a Funeral. The syrupy sickness of the reading will hopefully drive the would-be romantics back into the arms of loneliness. Failing that, an online petition calling for all charming B&Bs and boutique hotels to be turned into Travelodges would be a good idea.
Putting stickers that feature the crying Dawson Leery gif on the front of anniversary cards would be a great way to signal the inherent futility of marking an arbitrary passage of time with the desecration of innocent trees for paper. Similarly, any romantic mixtapes should have their prime cuts of Marvin Gaye replaced with an audio recording of JÃ¼rgen Habermas’s book Strukturwandel der Ã–ffentlichkeit: Untersuchungen zu einer Kategorie der bÃ¼rgerlichen Gesellschaft.
Finally, the Revolutionary Alliance of Men That Women Are Not Attracted to must lay waste to all weddings everywhere. Once they have done these things, their mission is complete. Vive la mort de la romance!