5 Right-Wing Lunacies This Week: The Nonstop Comedy Show of CPAC

CPAC is like a nonstop comedy show. One hit after another. Scott Walker tried to steal the show by comparing ISIS to those vicious union members he battled in his state, and he was rightfully and roundly ridiculed for that. It'll take some serious backtracking and spinning to undo the damage to the Republican darling. But he was far from the only standup comedian on the roster. Here are some others, as well as some right-winger comedians who could not make it.

1. Duck Dynasty star to CPAC: Bring your Bible to the Oval Office, and your woman, 'cause the hippies are coming to get you.

Phil Robertson issued the above piece of advice to the CPAC audience, and no one is exactly clear what it means, honestly. Nor did the rest of his speech make a whole lot of sense. His biggest concern seems to be that Republicans not get sexually transmitted diseases.

“There is a penalty to be paid from what the beatniks, who morphed into the hippies (did)!” the Duck Commander rambled, rather incoherently. “What do you call the 110 million people who have sexually transmitted illnesses? It’s the revenge of the hippies! Sex, drugs and rock & roll have come back to haunt us!”

Head for the hills, people! With your Bible under one arm, and your woman under the other! "You lose your religion," Duck Commander bellowed. "And you lose your morality."

Robertson actually claimed, though he "hated to admit it," that he had done some research on the CDC website and found out that only one encounter was necessary to contract a sexually transmitted illness. “How many seconds does it take to get genital herpes?” he asked the CPAC audience, rhetorically. “It said 30 seconds. I’m like, whoa, that’s pretty quick.”

Well, thanks Phil. This has all been terribly enlightening.

Here's the video in case you'd like to enjoy it yourself:

2. Sarah Palin says a bunch of nonsense at CPAC, then inadvertently says something extremely true.

It’s a bit disorienting, really. In her speech at CPAC, Sarah Palin stayed in her usual history-mangling character when she suggested that the U.S. killed all the Nazis in WWII, when a passing acquaintance with the subject shows is laughably far from the truth. She said we should do the same to ISIS, just kill all of them—both impossible and plain old stupid and dangerous. So far, so good. Palin doing Palin.

Then she did something totally off brand, and wandered into the thickets of truth. It was a mistake, we’re sure. She said: “It’s said that old men declare wars, and then they send the young ones to fight ‘em. So it’s the duty of he who sends them to actually make sure that we can win those wars. And it’s our duty to elect an honorable commander-in-chief who is willing to make the same sacrifices he sends others away to make.”

So, as Raw Story figures, Palin is essentially saying that neither she, nor any other Republican hopeful is qualified to be president, since none has been willing to make such a sacrifice. Governors Jeb Bush of Florida, Chris Christie of New Jersey, Mike Huckabee of Arkansas, and Scott Walker of Wisconsin have not served, nor have Senators Ted Cruz of Texas, Rand Paul of Kentucky and Marco Rubio of Florida. Nor, of course, Sarah Palin herself, although her son Track served in Iraq for a year.

So, basically, everybody out of the pool!

Except Track. Track Palin for President! Woohoo!

3. Jim Inhofe reduces climate change debate to a snowball.

There has been some snow this winter, in case you have not heard. And to Senator Jim Inhofe, that can only mean one thing. It’s cold out! Also, snowball fight! Oh yeah, and obviously climate change must be a hoax.

To drive his point home, darned if the Senate’s chief climate change denier didn’t bring a snowball to the Senate floor and toss it. Oh! Feel the burn, all you science believers!

"In case we have forgotten, because we keep hearing that 2014 has been the warmest year on record, I ask the chair, 'You know what this is?'" Inhofe said, holding up his secret weapon. "It's a snowball, from outside here. So it's very, very cold out. Very unseasonable."

Yes it is, Senator. Very very cold.

Never mind that despite some record low temperatures in various parts of the country, 2014 remains the warmest year on record, and the nation overall has been experiencing a warmer-than-average winter. It’s cold where Inhofe is—he has to bundle up—and he’d rather just throw a snowball than deal with all that pesky data.

4. Stupid Giuliana Rancic makes racist comment about black hair and Solange Knowles has a great response.

Joan Rivers’ replacement, Giuliana Rancic, may have apologized for her idiotic and racist snark about 18-year-old actress and singer Zendaya’s dreadlocks at the Oscars, but the comments spoke volumes about Hollywood’s inability to regard African Americans as equals and creative forces to be reckoned with. In her “Fashion Police” roundup, Rancic ventured away from talking about Zendaya’s Vivienne Westwood gown, to suggest that her hair probably smells of “patchouli oil” and “weed.” Really? Why?

Twitter erupted in understandable outrage over the fact that black women's hair just keeps being an obnoxious topic of discussion and object of bewilderment and scrutiny by white powers that be. As HuffPo says, “From TSA agents patting down Afros, a woman having to cut her locks to keep her job, and the Army's discriminatory ban on particular African American hairstyles—the list goes on and on.”

It’s not a random comment, and Rancic’s “I’m sorry if I offended you” apology really does not wash. Zendaya’s eloquent outrage put the “Fashion Police” to shame, as did Solange Knowles’ nifty response.

Shut up, white people. Just, shut up.

5. Fox News doctor: Crack babies come from women who smoke weed!

Fox News Medical A-Team (ha!) doctor David Samadi is not one for scientific reports. Or science, or, like, facts. So he certainly was not going to admit that a recent study published in Scientific Reports found that pot is quite possibly the least harmful drug humans ingest, including alcohol and cigarettes.

“I think it’s a very dangerous study,” Samadi argued. “People need to be very careful about not getting the wrong message from this study. They’re using a lethal dose as a comparison. For example, they’re putting pot against or weed against cocaine or alcohol. We know you need less amount of alcohol to die. So, they’re using death to see what’s dangerous and what’s not.”

Wait, what?

He went on to make various hysterical claims, such as that pot causes heart attacks and psychosis. Then this bit of nonsense: “Now we have crack babies coming in because pregnant women are smoking this whole marijuana business.”

Yup, he said, they are smoking the whole marijuana business.

Looks like his brain is misfiring, and the dangerous drug he is on appears to be a combination anti-science pathology, anti-pot hysteria and just not having done his homework about the fact that the whole crack baby scare was a myth. Not to mention the fact that the mythological crack babies were not born to mothers who smoked pot.


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