7 Shockingly Awful Things Rich People Did This Week
1. One Poor Family’s Loss is Some Weirdly Named Horse’s Gain
Congress reportedly wrapped negotiations this week for their time-honored annual year-end tax deal, which the New York Times says will cost the public $440 billion in lost revenue. December is no stranger to such scrambled compromises, which must be pushed through by New Year’s to preserve legislators’ corporate sponsorships. White House spokesperson Jennifer Friedman has asserted that “The president would veto the proposed deal because it would provide permanent tax breaks to help well-connected corporations while neglecting working families.” The deal will allegedly end tax breaks for the working poor with dependent children, but will provide new benefits for racehorse owners. The move, of course, is intended to incentivize the horses to open small businesses and become job creators.
2. Hipster Coffee Label Goes Full Suits
Artisanal coffee startup Blue Bottle raised over $27 million this year, which it courted at least partially by propping up its Kumbaya ethical standards. This week, however, Gawker reports that the company has issued a hot, steaming “PSYCH!” to its part-timers, whose benefits will be totally eliminated the start of next year. Blue Bottle is an exciting example of how ordinary citizens can fulfill the American Dream by building a business, attracting a massive amount of capital, and then refusing to invest it in ethical compensation for its employees. It just goes to show that with hard work and talent, any one of us could succeed in this country and economically destroy those beneath us.
3. Breathing Is a Privilege, Not a Right, for Republican Senators
Right-wingers are already peeved about the new EPA regulation proposed by the Obama administration this week. The new rule would cap ground-level ozone—pollutants that make air risky to breathe—at 65 to 70 parts per billion. The standard “will represent one of the costliest rules ever issued by EPA and will serve as one of the most devastating regulations,” wrote U.S. senators James Inhofe and David Vitter, in an effort to convince the American public that gradually choking to death is much, much cheaper. (The New Republic reports that the histrionic numbers they’re bellowing about are based on “the strictest assumptions to generate the highest dollar value.”) Luckily, Inhofe and Vitter will soon have the opportunity to vote for the “Science Advisory Board Reform Act” when the bill hits the Senate, thereby assisting big business temper tantrums to drown out peer review science in EPA advising. But why should we trust Inhofe’s and Vitter’s take on the relative frivolousness of breathing air? Because they are respected experts, that’s why. Inhofe once conclusively debunked climate change by citing the Bible, after which he presumably dropped the mic and ran off to stone his co-conspirator David Vitter for adultery.
4. Solve Rape by Not Being Unsavory, University Prez Instructs
Donald Eastman, president of Eckerd College, just may be the middle-aged white guy who finally manages to reason drunk party chicks out of being raped. In a letter to the student body, Eastman wrote that not being raped is pretty simple, really: stop getting drunk, and start being “thoughtful about the dramatic and often negative psychological effects that sexual activity without commitment can have.” So, rape is really just a negative consequence of skankiness. Nice girls don’t get raped! It is also important to note that on Eckerd’s website, his bow tie and round-glasses combo look like what a turtle would wear if it Freaky Fridayed into a man’s body. If that seems harsh, so is blaming consensual sex for assault.
5. Rudy Giuliani Knows What the Real Problem With the Blacks Is
In the aftermath of Officer Darren Wilson’s non-indictment for killing unarmed teenager Michael Brown, failed presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani has run a diligent media circuit doing stuff like derailing discussions of police diversity by bringing up the treasured red herring of black-on-black crime. He also helpfully pointed out that if black communities are mad about heavy-handed policing, then maybe they shouldn’t commit so darn much crime. Like clockwork, Ted Nugent sociopathically built upon Giuliani’s point in a Facebook post, arguing that the “black klansmen” of Ferguson are behind the “millions” of African Americans each year who slaughter one another. Not only is Nugent a walking, talking 4chan comment, he is terrible at math.
6. You Can’t Just Menstruate All Over Our Sacred American Heritage Like That
Concerned Women for America, a reactionary activist hub that strives to oppress and subjugate women in America, remains as concerned as ever. In response to rumors that Congress may establish a National Women’s History Museum, CWA CEO Penny Nance wildly overreacted with an organization-issued press release and an op-ed at Breitbart. Nance just knows that such a project would be stocked with propaganda about immoral leftist thugs like “Planned Parenthood Founder and eugenicist Margaret Sanger” (instead of real heroes, like Founding Father and owner of human beings, Thomas Jefferson). Even worse, such a museum would be “offensive to military members” because it would probably include that whiny Bella Abzug, who advocated for defense budget cuts and criticized the Vietnam War. (It is important to note that we never, ever should have left Vietnam.) A legitimate women’s history museum, Nance argues, would celebrate the “philosophical diversity” of American women by including a bunch of anti-feminists who have actively fought to limit women’s agency over their lives.
7. Rand Paul Supports Personhood Unless You’re Talking About Women
Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, sponsor of the federal personhood bill
Women’s Lives End at Pregnancy Act Life at Conception Act, is now straight-up signing emails from the personhood-peddling National Pro-Life Alliance. Since Roe v. Wade, one email contended, Supreme Court justices have “invented laws that condemned to painful deaths without trial more than 61 million babies for the crime of being ‘inconvenient.’” It’s a good thing Rand Paul doesn’t believe in science, or else he’d have to grapple with the awkward fact that fetal pain is imaginary. It’s likewise a good thing that he’s repeatedly clarified his utter contempt for women, or else they might be surprised that he boiled down their complicated reproductive decision-making to an issue of “convenience.” (Friendly reminder: urge your sentient zygotes not to vote for this guy.)