10 Products That Have Absolutely No Business Being Pumpkin-Flavored

As you’ve probably already noticed, America has officially entered “pumpkin spice” season. And we’ve reached a point, culturally, where to mock the endless profusion of autumnally themed products is as much of an annual tradition as Thanksgiving football or pumpkin pie itself.


The backlash against such products can be harsh, and in some cases, one could argue, inappropriately placed. Pumpkin spice Chobani, for example: Sure, they’re cashing in on a gimmick, but at least it has actual pumpkin in it. And Oreos, M&Ms, Hershey’s kisses, Pop-Tarts are at least intended to be desserts.

However, even discounting the products with some legitimate claim to gourd-based bragging rights — and the many absurdities that turned out to have been hoaxes — there are still plenty of terrible pumpkin-themed products that are all too real. A subjective look at 10 of the worst offenders, below:

[[{"type":"media","view_mode":"media_original","fid":"589235","attributes":{"alt":"","class":"media-image","height":"400","typeof":"foaf:Image","width":"116"}}]]

(Amazon)

1. Pumpkin pie spice Pringles

I also strongly disagree with cappuccino-flavored Lays.

[[{"type":"media","view_mode":"media_original","fid":"589236","attributes":{"alt":"","class":"media-image","height":"500","typeof":"foaf:Image","width":"500"}}]]

(Walmart)

2. Pumpkin spice almonds

Almonds are already America's most popular, unsustainable nut. They don't need this.

[[{"type":"media","view_mode":"media_original","fid":"589237","attributes":{"alt":"","class":"media-image","height":"203","typeof":"foaf:Image","width":"203"}}]]

(Cedar's)

3. Pumpkin spice hummus

To be fair, pumpkin is a popular ingredient in Middle Eastern cuisine. Regardless, the Internet is not reacting well to Cedar's seasonal creation.

[[{"type":"media","view_mode":"media_large","fid":"589238","attributes":{"alt":"","class":"media-image","height":"480","typeof":"foaf:Image","width":"480"}}]]

(Vapage)

4. Pumpkin spice e-cigarettes

18 mg nicotine, 400 puffs of pure autumn.

[[{"type":"media","view_mode":"media_large","fid":"589239","attributes":{"alt":"","class":"media-image","height":"360","typeof":"foaf:Image","width":"480"}}]]

(4 Kings)

5. Pumpkin spice cigarillo

Why yes, there is something worse than a pumpkin spice e-cigarette.

[[{"type":"media","view_mode":"media_original","fid":"589241","attributes":{"alt":"","class":"media-image","height":"548","typeof":"foaf:Image","width":"274"}}]]

(Burnett's)

6. Pumpkin spice vodka

Burnett's biggest crime is not in producing this seasonal vodka, but in its misuse, on its website, of the word "literally." No, doing shots of pumpkin spice-flavored alcohol is not "literally like drinking a pumpkin pie."

[[{"type":"media","view_mode":"media_original","fid":"589242","attributes":{"alt":"","class":"media-image","height":"420","typeof":"foaf:Image","width":"630"}}]]

(Polar)

7. Pumpkin spice seltzer

Pumpkin spice coconut milk and coffee creamer? Okay. Pumpkin spice seltzer? Are you kidding?

[[{"type":"media","view_mode":"media_original","fid":"589244","attributes":{"alt":"","class":"media-image","height":"480","typeof":"foaf:Image","width":"535"}}]]

(Wrigley)

8. Pumpkin spice gum

Pumpkin spice gum? Questionable...

[[{"type":"media","view_mode":"media_original","fid":"589245","attributes":{"alt":"","class":"media-image","height":"363","typeof":"foaf:Image","width":"368"}}]]

(Twistex, via Amazon)

9. Pumpkin spice pet dental chews

...Pumpkin spice gum for dogs? Unacceptable.

[[{"type":"media","view_mode":"media_original","fid":"589246","attributes":{"alt":"","class":"media-image","height":"250","typeof":"foaf:Image","width":"250"}}]]

(Rossi Pasta)

10. Pumpkin spice fettucini

You know what? I'm willing to be convinced on this one.

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