Homemade Solutions for Hobby Lobby Female Employees -- Hilarious DIY Birth Control
With the recent Supreme Court decision, allowing closely held corporations like Hobby Lobby to refuse to cover certain forms of birth control in their employee insurance plans, female employees might wonder how they will keep from getting pregnant. Not a problem! They can use their employee discounts to purchase low-cost items at any Hobby Lobby to make any number of DIY craft birth control projects.
1. Decorated Rhythm Method Calendar: The rhythm method is an excellent method of birth control for devout Christians, provided you are in a heterosexual marriage. All you do is avoid having vaginal sex when you are fertile. Do this consistently for a year and you have a 75 percent chance of avoiding pregnancy.
Here’s how it works: You’re only fertile for a day or two when you ovulate, but sperm can hang around inside you for five to seven days. That leaves you with a bit of a larger window in which to avoid sex.
First, you need to learn to tell when you are ovulating. Look for changes in vaginal mucus or look for a 0.4 to 0.8 degree Fahrenheit rise in body temperature using any one of the adorable thermometers sold at Hobby Lobby.
Next up, you need a calendar—and you are in luck because Hobby Lobby has them on sale. Mark the dates of your ovulation over time to see if they are regular and predictable each month. You can customize your calendar with photos of your loved ones and adorable stickers to mark the five days before ovulation and three days after when you should refrain from sex. Placing Virgin Mary stickers on those days would be perfect, but as Hobby Lobby does not sell any, perhaps its Believe in Miracles or glittery cross stickers would make a suitable stand-in. After all, it would be a miracle if the rhythm method actually worked.
2. Abstinence: Abstinence is the only 100-percent effective form of birth control. Hobby Lobby provides two different options for the lady looking to refrain from sex altogether. The first option is found among Hobby Lobby’s wide selection of super glue. Simply glue your legs together – or for the active lady who cannot do so without impairing her daily activities, simply glue the cervix shut for a less restrictive option. Note: Although sprinkling glitter on the glue would look fabulous, the glitter may chafe your legs, making it an uncomfortable option for some.
Second, Hobby Lobby provides everything you need to make your own “man repellent” sweatshirt. Simply purchase a plain sweatshirt and embellish it with puffy paint, sequins, glitter, and pompoms. The more decoration, the better, so don’t be afraid to go crazy! Religious women hoping to stay abstinent could even sew on a bow made from Jesus Loves Me ribbon or add a pink iron-on applique cross. (Note: This method may not work, particularly if the man being repelled has been drinking or has not had sex in a long, long time.)
3. Fun and Funky Knitted Condoms: Choose from Hobby Lobby’s wide selection of yarn to find the right color and texture for a set of custom condoms. Remember, when buying your knitting needles, smaller sized needles (sizes 3 and 4) will give you a tighter stitch to better prevent the sperm from getting through. Larger needles will create a loopy stitch, particularly with lightweight yarns like baby, sock, fingering, or sport weight yarn. While this might look decorative on your loved one’s member, it will not aid in birth control.
As always, take time to check gauge. For the condom, knit on four needles as you would for a sock. Use the stockinette stitch – unless you prefer a ribbed texture, in which case a 2x2 ribbed pattern will do nicely. Feel free to embellish your homemade condoms with fringe, pompoms, or even cables. You can even make your loved one a themed set of condoms as birthday or Christmas gifts.
4. Puffy Paint Condoms: Don’t knit? Don’t worry! Make a romantic evening by covering your husband’s equipment in puffy paint and then allowing it to dry before getting frisky. It’s a fun couples activity for date night. Buy paint in your favorite colors and take turns coming up with creative designs. Or, if you’re in a hurry, simply use a balloon to do the job. Try putting this smiley face balloon on Mr. Happy, and you’ll smile too knowing you are safe from unwanted pregnancy. (Note: The effectiveness of homemade condoms is untested, and they may not be as effective as standard latex condoms. In which case you might need to make a….)
5. Needlepoint Prayer Pillow: Check out Hobby Lobby’s Cross-Stitch and Needle Crafts section and make your own cross-stitch or embroidered pillow with your favorite prayer to prevent pregnancy. For example, your pillow could read “Dear God, please grant me the serenity to accept the pregnancies I cannot prevent, the strength to prevent the ones I can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.” For your pillow’s backing, you might like Hobby Lobby’s cross or faith fabrics, both now on sale.
6. Copper IUD: Hobby Lobby considers the intrauterine device (IUD) an abortifacient and does not wish to cover them under the employee health plan. Not to worry! While hormonal IUDs are difficult for the DIYer, copper ones are easy. Head over to the beading section of the store for a diverse array of copper wire and findings. Twist the wire into a suitable shape (a mandrel, also sold in the beading section, might assist with that) and stick it right up inside yourself.
Should these homemade solutions fail to prevent pregnancy, no doubt Hobby Lobby entirely disapproves of repurposing its copper wire for use in DIY abortions if employees live in places where they can no longer obtain safe and legal abortions in nearby hospitals or clinics. No doubt they would much prefer if you visited your local Hobby Lobby to purchase all the materials needed for your shotgun wedding.