Funny But Outrageous: U.S. Government Actually Created a Plan to Combat Zombie Apocalypse

It has taken the U.S. government decades to even acknowledge the real and present threat presented by scientifically-proven, devastating climate change. But it’s not as if it hasn’t been doing anything about the dangers that face us.


In April of 2011, the government actually came up with a hypothetical plan for what to do in the event of a zombie invasion. It was called “CONPLAN 8888,” and yes, it really exists, as Ned Zeman of Esquire.com reports, and yes, real tax dollars were spent on creating it.

We wish this were a joke.

The plan was quite comprehensive. It started with a “zombie threat summary” which included: pathogenic zombies, radiation zombies, evil magic zombies, space zombies, vegetarian zombies—which aren’t actually a threat to people, ‘cause they eat vegetables, and chicken zombies (which are the only kind of zombies that are not pure fiction.) So this is obviously important.

According to CONPLAN 8888:

“Chicken zombies occur when old hens that can no longer lay eggs are incorrectly euthanized by poultry farmers using carbon monoxide. The hens appear to be dead when buried but inexplicably come back to life and dig themselves out of piles of dead chickens. After reaching the surface, CZ’s (note that this report even bothers to make creative acronyms for different kinds of zombies) stagger about for a period before ultimately expiring due to organ failure.”

Okay, so they are not technically zombies, because they're not technically dead, but the sight of chicken zombies causes people real distress and some become vegetarians because of the extreme animal cruelty involved.

Apparently the plan to create this very important and voluminous report was first concocted in late 2008, when government employees, perhaps swept up in zombie fever, figured it would be a worthwhile exercise in disaster preparedness. Hey, if the government was ready for a zombie apocalypse, it was ready for anything, right?

The report also has sections on Environmental Effects and Legal Ramifications. And if you are dying to know, the way the U.S. would combat a zombie apocalyse is by dispatching the Chaplain Corps (for religious counseling of zombies) and remote-controlled robots. Of course, the robots would deprive the zombies of the flesh they so dearly love to eat. The clergy would especially be useful apparently when combatting "evil magic zombies," or EMZs. Why? We don't know.

The report also mentions the importance of hand sanitizer when combatting zombies.

Unfortunately, this is all true.

The report is 31 pages long. And if this little taste didn’t offer enough amusement for you and disgust, you are more than welcome to click on it here.

More recently, the CDC also released a “Zombie Preparedness” plan.

Laughable, yes, but more than a little outrageous. Is this what the government has been reduced to? With its do-nothing, obstructionist Congress? There are actual problems, and Americans overwhelmingly want their government to address them. Not fiddle with fictional monsters while the world burns, cities drown and gun violence claims more lives (the CDC has been prevented from studying that actual problem), schools resegregate and more Americans sink into poverty.

What a joke! Almost as much of a joke as Peggy Noonan claiming yesterday that Republicans are actually interested in governing.

h/t: Esquire.com

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