Charlie Sheen Reverts Back to His Original "Hispanic" Name

Editor's note: the following is a satire. 

In the Robert Rodriguez action sequel Machete Kills opening in September, Hollywood bad boy Charlie Sheen has reverted to his original "Hispanic" name in the credits: Carlos Estevez.

Sorry Charlie, but there are rules here. Let me turn your attention to the Ethnic Security, Opportunity, and Identity Modernization (ESOIM, or "Eso I Am") Act of 2013, which is currently working its way through the Legislative Organization of Latinos (LOL). This is the toughest ethnic identity enforcement measure in U.S. history. It is tough but humane in addressing the nearly 25% of the entertainment industry that works under a false Anglo identity and lives in de facto amnesty.

Like the similarly named legislation now being considered in Washington, D.C., the ESOIM of LOL has a series of stringent rules for Hispanics who assumed Anglicized names in order to achieve professional success but who now want to return to their original identity as part of a population with $1.2 trillion in purchasing power, status as a decisive voting bloc, and a lot of accents and z's in their names.

So, Charlie, here are the conditions that must be met before you can begin to use "Carlos Estevez":

1. The Department of Latino Security must achieve "effective control" of the high-risk Hollywood areas--meaning at least 90% of celebrities attempting to return to a Hispanic given and surname must be apprehended or turned back.
2. At that point, Anglicized Hispanic celebrities who have not attempted an illegal name migration could register for provisional ethnic status, allowing those who have appeared in feature films and network or premium cable series to pay a $5,000 penalty and a processing fee.
3. Permanent ethnic status cannot be granted until the Department of Latino Security declares that the Hollywood-area goal of 90% apprehension has been met. However, Anglicized Hispanic celebrities may apply for permanent status after ten years.
4. Universal H-verify must be implemented within ten years to ensure Hispanic verification. 
5. An ethnic exit system must be implemented at all international airports and seaports to stop celebrity regression to an Anglicized identity while abroad. 
6. Once these ethnic security, Hispanic verification, and ethnic exit system "triggers" have been achieved, ethnically undocumented Latinos will be able to come forward--and must then submit to and pass background checks, be fingerprinted, and pay an additional $20,000 in fines.

Then, and only then, can you call yourself "Carlos Estevez." But read the fine print: re-Hispanicization is not immediate, automatic, or irrevocable. If you fail to observe Days of the Dead, forget to roll your r's, or neglect to visit Self Help Graphics & Art at least once per year, your status can and will be revoked.

As with any tough but humane rule, help is available. You can fast-track your registration for re-Hispanicization through an intensive one-day program at the UCLA Chicano Studies Research Center. Our highly trained staff and experienced researchers can provide you with the necessary basic knowledge to pass the background check. Other celebrities who have benefited from our program include Richard Marin (now Cheech Marín), Edward James Olmos (now Edward James Olmos), James Franco (now, Jaime Francisco), and others. Remember, Charlie, a z is a terrible thing to waste. Call now.

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