Let's Use Boy Scouts to Secure the US-Mexico Border

The following is a satirical piece.

There’s been a great deal of talk about the Boy Scouts lately, due to a leak late last month which uncovered plans for the organization to review its “no gays allowed” policy. I’m still not clear as to what the Boy Scouts do exactly. I know it has something to do with “character building” and tree forts and selling Christmas wreaths…but none of that seems particularly useful to me. What are the Boy Scouts doing for America?

On Super Bowl Sunday, President Obama called on the Scouts to lift their ban on gay members. Still, they have decided to delay their final decision until May. Because April showers bring gay flowers or whatever. 

“Not so fast, Obama” have said Right-Wingers. More than 40 conservative organizations ran an ad in USA Today pressuring the Boy Scouts to “stay true to their timeless values and not surrender to financial or political pressures by corporate elites on the issue of homosexuality.” 

“That’s some pretty heavy stuff,” sighed 9 year old Tommy who said he was “really just in it to learn how to build a pinewood derby car.”

So what are the Boy Scouts doing for America? Assuming the answer to that is nothing, It must be asked: If the Boy Scouts don’t actually do anything, why don’t we use them to secure the border? I mean physically use their bodies as a human fence… “The Boy Scout Fence,” if you will. 

I know, I know, that’s crazy! But is it really? Think about it. 

The Boy Scouts of America love America. The word “America” is right in there in their official name. As of February 8th, the Boy Scouts of America have been loving America for 103 years. According to conservative logic, to love America is to loathe illegal immigrants who march into town looking to steal the jobs nobody else wants to do. So why not really stick it to Obama by not only supporting the Boy Scouts in their doubling down on “timeless values,” but by doing what he won’t do by securing the border with “The Boy Scout Fence”?

I say we line them up and let them get the job done, armed with their Swiss Army knives and can-do spirit. There are 2.7 million members and over 1 million adult volunteers in the Boy Scouts. And with the US-Mexican border at an estimated 1,933 miles long, that means we could have 1,914 Boy Scouts per mile, with each Boy Scout (or adult volunteer!) protecting his own 2.75 foot space. 

After serving as part of “The Boy Scout Fence,” vets can go to college for free or get into theme parks or whatever kids are into. Free Netflix subscriptions for life! A date with Kate Upton! America will be better than ever after taking care of Issue No. 1: illegals, so life will be sweet for the Boy Scouts who scarified their lives to make it happen. 

Many great Americans have been Boy Scouts. Maple syrup enthusiast, Texas Governor Rick Perry; Convicted war criminal Donald Rumsfeld; Painter and convicted war criminal George W. Bush; Kim Kardashian’s stepdad Bruce Jenner.

And many not-so-great Americans have been Boy Scouts. The Kenyan President, Barack Obama; George Takei (this must have been a mistake); Celebrity President John F Kennedy; Hairy Lizard King Jim Morrison. 

The fact is, for good (Bush) or evil (Takei), The Boy Scouts of America are as American as America gets.

As if anybody needs further convincing that this is a terrific idea, let me point out that it’s much easier to get a feel for how normal The Boy Scout Fence will seem to us once implemented if we consider the headlines likely to emerge about our wholesome border patrol:

“Half of the Boy Scout Fence collapsed today when news of the arrival of Girl Scout cookies sent troops running.”

“After 157 years, Congress allows Girl Scouts to serve and secure the border in the historically all-male Boy Scout Fence.”

“Rush Limbaugh arrested late Monday evening after hurling his body at The Boy Scout Fence in Arizona.”

“Members of a Mexican drug cartel blow off little Timmy’s head and run over Bobby and Mikey’s bodies while charging through The Boy Scout Fence.”

There’s nothing sensical about a group dedicated to “character building” being comprised of a bunch of homophobes, but there is something very sensical about employing an already organized army of 2.7 million bored kids (and over 1 million adult volunteers!) to protect the United States of America from scary illegals.


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