"Grope" of Catholic Cardinals Gather For a "Molestation"

On last night’s Daily Show, Jon Stewart took a gaze inside the mysteries of the conclave, as cardinals gather to elect the next pope. Stewart reviewed some of the candidates, including Cardinal Leonardo Sandri of Argentina who says, “The church needs to do a better job of reaching out to women.”


“Maybe you could consider one of them for pope,” Stewart suggested, “Oh, too much? How about for cardinal? Bishop? Priest? Well, good luck with that outreach.”

Stewart then turned to senior Vatican correspondent Aasif Mandvi, who presented a couple dramatic “ad buys” for papal prospects.

Mandvi aired an impeccably produced attack ad against Cardinal Marc Ouellet, questioning his “fealty to the Doctrine of the First Council of Ephesus.”

“Beware of schismatics like him,” said a deep ad voice, “They’re a threat to our very monophysitism.”

Finally, Stewart hashed out some Sistine secrets and Latin terminology with Samantha Bee.

“The collective noun for a group of Catholic cardinals is called a grope,” Bee explained.

Stewart, rather startled, continued, “So, the grope of cardinals, they gather in the Sistine chapel for a…”

“For a molestation,” Samantha Bee interrupts, “That’s the liturgical name for the papal voting session. And believe me, that can take a while.”

Watch:

#story_page_post_article

Understand the importance of honest news ?

So do we.

The past year has been the most arduous of our lives. The Covid-19 pandemic continues to be catastrophic not only to our health - mental and physical - but also to the stability of millions of people. For all of us independent news organizations, it’s no exception.

We’ve covered everything thrown at us this past year and will continue to do so with your support. We’ve always understood the importance of calling out corruption, regardless of political affiliation.

We need your support in this difficult time. Every reader contribution, no matter the amount, makes a difference in allowing our newsroom to bring you the stories that matter, at a time when being informed is more important than ever. Invest with us.

Make a one-time contribution to Alternet All Access, or click here to become a subscriber. Thank you.

Click to donate by check.

DonateDonate by credit card
Donate by Paypal
{{ post.roar_specific_data.api_data.analytics }}

Don't Sit on the Sidelines of History. Join Alternet All Access and Go Ad-Free. Support Honest Journalism.