Conservative Women: We Like Sex Too!

In their ongoing quest to figure out why "Screw you people!" wasn't a winning message in 2012, the Republican Party is having lots of meetings and panels and training sessions to learn how to say "Screw you people, please!" Because of course the big lesson they learned from November's ass-kicking wasn't that "screw you" policies are not popular, but that they simply need to find a nicer, friendlier way to say "screw you."

On Thursday, for example, at their special retreat in Virginia, held at what used to be the Kingsmill Plantation—yes, as in slave plantation—they had a "Discussion on Successful Communication with Minorities and Women," where they learned how to talk to not-whites and not-men more, you know, sensitively. In the Burwell Plantation Room. Brilliant planning there, fellas.

The prior evening, conservative women gathered for a panel hosted by the Independent Women's Forum—one of those silly little faux feminist organizations that devotes itself to furthering the Republican Party's misogynist agenda, but dressed up in skirts and pearls so it looks more feministical. Turns out those even those conservative women are a little upset with their own party:

“Is there anyone more tongue-tied than a Republican politician talking about women?” panel moderator Christina Hoff Sommers asked. [...]

Hoff Sommers, an author and American Enterprise Institute fellow known for her attacks on the feminist movement, instead saved her most pointed criticisms Wednesday night for the older, male politicians who she said were alienating young women voters.

“We have some problematic allies,” Hoff Sommers said in her opening remarks. “Conservative leaders and funders, they don’t take women’s issues seriously.”

“I’m not sure what’s worse: conservatives ignoring women’s issues, or conservatives addressing them,” she said as the audience laughed.

Yeah, laugh it up ladies. Because it's freakin' hilarious how the Republican Party has been so god-awful on women's issues, while Republican women have enthusiastically supported and voted for the party's anti-woman agenda, isn't it? All those attempts to restrict and defund women's health care, supported by lady Republicans. Blocking renewal of the Violence Against Women Act, supported by lady Republicans. Attacking women who use birth control, supported by lady Republicans. Trying to redefine rape and explain how some rape is't really rape because, you know, chicks, man, they're always lying about being raped so they can cash in on all the fabulous government-funded gifts and prizes. Yup, lady Republicans have been right there, lock-stepping with the party. Damn shame about the men though, isn't it?

This isn't the first time Republican women have tried to convince themselves that they care about women too. In June 2011, the Republican women of the House had a consciousness-raising session, where they insisted that the party's agenda "is indeed pro-woman" because "it is pro-small business, pro-entrepreneur, pro-family and pro-economic growth."

Funny how women voters didn't see it that way in the 2012 election, isn't it? Which is why Republicans are now starting to think about starting to think about doing something about that one day maybe. Not right away, of course. First, they've got to once again try to defund Planned Parenthood—an attempt led by, that's right, lady Republicans. They also need to spend millions of taxpayer dollars fighting to uphold the Defense of Marriage Act to discriminate against gays and lesbians. Oh, and then there's the Every Sperm is Sacred bill,co-sponsored by Paul Ryan, of course, that Republicans never tire of introducing, even though it goes nowhere because it's unpopular and also, um, crazy.

Aside from their legislative agenda, they've also got to try to find the time to take that newsensitivity training course to teach Republicans how to stop saying stupid things about rape. It's really hard not to say stupid things about rape—like how it's not that bad, sometimes it's not even real rape, and if you end up impregnated by your rapist, well, that's just God's little gift to you, honey, so suck it up and say thanks. Republicans were apparently shocked that such talking points did not go over well with the ladies, but Republican lady pollster Kellyanne Conway did some research and, whaddya know! Turns out saying crazy things about rape is a bad idea. So they should stop doing that. Thanks, Kellyanne, for that amazing discovery!

But you know, good for those lady Republicans that they're giving some thought to their little problem with the majority of the country. Nice to see them acknowledge that their party is completely wrong when it comes to women. Or not:

When prodded by audience questions, the panelists said that contraception was a non-issue. As [conservative blogger Mollie] Hemingway put it, contraception was thought up by Democrats who found it tested well in focus groups despite being a completely settled issue. Her response was to urge Republicans to respond with their own accusations that are “just as crazy,” something like, “they’re stealing your hot dogs!”
Yes, the extremely popular plan to cover basic health care for women is an evil plot invented by Democrats to make Republicans look bad and also something something hot dogs. Huh?

At least one audience member understood the damage Republicans had done to themselves by attacking popular things like, you know, sex. And women. And health care:

“I just want to say one small word and the word is sex,” audience member Leslie Paige, 55, said when she got the microphone. She works for advocacy group that pushes for smaller government and described a situation in which college-aged women see Republicans as “a bunch of prudish, anti-sex, anti-reproductive freedom people.”

Paige suggested Republicans create a bumper sticker that reads, “We Like Sex Too.” After a moment’s pause, this drew a big round of applause and even some supportive hoots from the audience.

Sure, they like sex too. As long as it's heterosexual sex, between a married couple, without any birth control, for procreative purposes only, and if you get pregnant and your pregnancy is going to kill you, so be it, you can just die because Jesus said so, and besides, that doesn't matter because what women really care about is the deficit and "rising energy costs."

So yeah, go with that, ladies. Print up some bumper stickers advertising that you also like sex. Just don't forget the asterisk.


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