6 Excuses Right-Wingers Are Teeing Up In Case Obama Beats Romney

Election '16

Conservatives have been predicting a Romney blow-out for weeks, because polling is like climate science – a total hoax (headline of the week goes to Rush Limbaugh: “Everything -- Except the Polls -- Points to a Romney Landslide”).

Now is the day when we find out the result, and their reputations are on the line. (Ha ha – just kidding! Nobody in the conservative media ever pays a price for being perennially wrong!)

There's more at stake than personal pride, of course. Conservatism must be defended. Although Mitt Romney selected Paul Ryan, embraced his budget, offered foreign policy that boiled down to being really belligerent and increasing military spending, said Arizona's immigration law is a model for the country and cut ads for two politicians who implied that rape is God's will and therefore no excuse for getting an abortion, it will never be that the campaign lost because of its severely conservative positions. It must be something else.

Here are six something elses that conservatives are already teeing up to be the Real Reason the Kenyan Interloper won.

1. Obviously, Fraud

There have already been a slew of stories in the conservative media about unauthorized immigrants who were registered to vote. Not that they voted. This is being pushed by William Gheen, a belligerent anti-immigrant hard-liner who runs ALIPAC.

2. Voter Suppression

Yes, irony is dead. “Voter Suppression” was the headline for a breathless Fox News story about that one guy – the one called “the new Black Panthers” – who is apparently standing outside a Philadelphia polling place doing nothing in particular except being SCARY AND BLACK.

3. Mitt Romney's to the Left of Dennis Kucinich

Obviously, Mitt's purportedly “moderate” reputation will be primarily to blame. It's unclear what evidence there is that Romney's a moderate, other than the fact that he Etch-sketched into one when running in true-blue Massachusetts.

While everyone outside the bubble knows that Mitt Romney is going to do far better than the rest of this year's GOP freak show – Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich and Michelle Bachmann and Rick Perry – would have, expect to hear a lot about how any one of those true conservatives could have wiped the floor with Obama.

4. Moochers Gotta Mooch

As I've written before, the idea that 47 percent of the country are dependent on public services is nothing but a pernicious lie – people tend to rely on these services for an average of a year when they fall on hard times. The idea that half of Americans are permanently in this group is simply wrong, and the suggestion is kind of disgusting.

But reality doesn't matter much in politics, as Pema Levy reports on a common theme she encountered at a Romney rally:

FAIRFAX, Va. — If President Obama wins re-election on Tuesday, retired Army Colonel Allen Wild knows exactly who blame: “the 47 percent.” Not the leaked video of Republican nominee Mitt Romney claiming that 47 percent of Americans will vote for Obama because they are dependent on government.

“The takers,” Wild explained to TPM at a Romney rally on the final day of the campaign Monday here at George Mason University. “Those who pay no income tax.”

5. Does This Mean Mitt Romney is a Gay Abortionist?

We all know that God visits natural disasters on the United States because of gays and lesbians and abortion. An emerging excuse/ storyline on the right is that Romney had had all this “momentum” – he didn't – until Hurricane Sandy swooped in an stole his thunder.

Now, why would God send Sandy to help Obama win? It would be irresponsible not to speculate!

Fortunately Nate Silver – whom Wonkette refers to as “your math and statistics boyfriend” – has this one pretty thoroughly debunked.

6. And, Of Course...

Items 1-5 pale beside the treason of the LIEbrul media, which covered up for all of Obama's outrageous nontroversies and totally rigged the debates to make Romney look cold and robotic. That one just never gets old.

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