6 Revolting Breakfasts That Just Might Kill You Before Lunch
A good breakfast is essential to starting your day out right. But what happens when it ends your day instead, by killing you within minutes of eating it?
That’s a project America’s wondrous food industry has been tirelessly working on in recent years. For just as the Kinks weren’t content to be with you in the daytime, food companies are no longer content to accelerate your death during lunch and dinner alone.
The formula for these deadly breakfasts is fairly simple: take a bunch of sugar, starch and animal fat and serve it with a biscuit. Or, put another way, food companies are taking the exact same crap they serve us during our other meals, but hoping the addition of a biscuit and some syrup will make you think you’re eating breakfast.
While there are a lot of horrible breakfast foods out there, six in particular are uniquely eye (and artery) clogging. How bad are these foods, you ask? So bad that the breakfast cereal based on Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups actually looks like the healthiest one. With that said, let’s dig in!
The 6th Most Revolting Breakfast: Reese’s Puffs
Even in the highly competitive world of sugary death cereals, Reese’s Puffs stands out. The “cereal” is roughly 41 percent sugar, as each cup contains a remarkable 16 grams of the stuff. WebMD notes that this gives Reese’s Puffs more sugar per cup than one typically finds in a glazed donut.
And then there’s the obnoxiously awful advertising the cereal uses to market itself to kids, such as this atrocious hip-hop song:
The song fortunately lends itself well to parody, thus inspiring me to compose my own version:
“Obese’s Puffs, Obese’s Puffs!
Ate ‘em since I was a fetus
Obese’s Puffs, Obese’s Puffs!
Gave me Type 2 diabetes!”
The best thing about this "cereal" is the fact that General Mills actually posted a list of 18 things kids should do before they turn 18 on the back of the box. Because if you’re eating Reese’s Puffs every morning, you’d better live life to the fullest before you die at 20.
The 5th Most Revolting Breakfast: Jimmy Dean Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick
Although pancakes and sausages are staples of the American breakfast, they present a challenge for Real Americans who don’t have any use for your fancy-pants knives and forks. Thank the Lord that the brilliant food processing wizards at Jimmy Dean came up with a way to scrap silverware all together by putting sausages and pancakes right where they belong: on a stick.
Each sausagecake stick clocks in at 230 calories, and like so many other processed foods they’ve got plenty of salt, with 340mg a pop. Just think about it: eating two of these things for breakfast will give you more sodium to start your day than eating a small bag of Rold Gold Preztels. That’s not good.
Finally, just look at the damn thing. Even with the magic of Photoshop, Jimmy Dean completely failed to take a picture of the sausagecake stick that looks even remotely appealing. The only way this thing could look worse in real life is if Jimmy Dean culled all of his sausages from a Brazilian colony for leperous pigs.
The 4th Most Revolting Breakfast: The BK Breakfast Bowl
Burger King has decided to follow KFC’s pioneering marketing technique of taking a bunch of crap and throwing it in a bowl. Much like KFC’s infamous Famous Bowl, the BK Breakfast Bowl is a sloppy mess of cholesterol, carbohydrates and dairy fat. BK describes the bowl as an “avalanche of fluffy egg, roasted potatoes and peppers, sizzling sausage, melt-y cheese, and smoky cheese sauce.”
It’s fairly remarkable that Burger King’s brain trust decided to add three different kinds of “melt-y” cheeses and cheese sauce to the bowl. I’m actually surprised they bothered to include potatoes and peppers when they could have just added solid cheese cubes into the mix. And then they could have coated the bowl itself with spray cheese. And then added some cheese-flavored coffee on the side as part of a value-meal package. The point is, Burger King needs to do a better job of covering every ounce of its breakfasts with processed dairy products.
The 3rd Most Revolting Breakfast: The IHOP Colorado Omelet
Let’s start with a simple premise: No omelet should look like something pulled out of a nearby Taco Bell dumpster. IHOP has decided to neglect this principle by designing an omelet that’s larded up with bacon, pork sausage, shredded beef and cheddar cheese, with a bowl of salsa on the side. As you’d expect, this monstrosity packs a wallop: 800 calories, 68 grams of fat (105 percent of your daily recommended allowance), 980 milligrams of salt (41 percent of your daily allowance) and – sit down for this – 805 milligrams of cholesterol, more than two and a half times your daily allowance. I can imagine a prisoner on death row ordering this as his last meal, just so it would kill him before the electric chair had a chance. He could even throw in a few buttermilk pancakes to start the day with 1,200 calories.
I can think of only one way for IHOP to top this beast: the Noah’s Ark Omelet that contains meat and cheese extracted from two of every animal.
The 2nd Most Revolting Breakfast: Bob Evans Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes with Cinnamon Cream
Yes, this sugar-saturated Bob Evans dish contains nearly 1,400 calories. But that doesn’t even begin to tell you how nasty it is. For that, we have to go to the Bob Evans Web site to read the official product description: take “two stuffed hotcakes, stack them with vanilla cream cheese, add more delicious toppings, then finished [sic] with whipped topping and a sprinkling of powdered sugar.”
OK, wow. Here are some things about that description that I literally cannot believe:
· The fact that they had to make even the cream cheese on the pancakes extra sugary
· The fact that they decided vanilla cream cheese and cinnamon cream sauce didn’t add enough sugar to the dish, so they decided to glop on some whipped cream as well
· And finally, the fact they added a mere “sprinkling” of powdered sugar at the end. With the way the rest of the meal is constructed, why not just dump on an entire box?
One extra note: the slogan on Bob Evans’ Web site promises to help customers “discover farm-fresh goodness.” I’m not sure there’s a circle of hell for people who create ludicrously dishonest marketing slogans, but if there is, the guy who thought up “farm-fresh goodness” will be there sitting next to the genius in Obama’s political team who thought up the phrase “Recovery Summer.”
The Most Revolting Breakfast: The Hardee’s Monster Biscuit
There are times when you have to wonder if Hardee’s is intentionally trying to piss off nutritionists. Its Monster Thickburger weighed in at over 1,400 calories and 107 grams of fat, but at least it looked like a standard, albeit oversized, hamburger. The Monster Biscuit, on the other hand, looks like something you’d see chasing terrified civilians down the street during a Roger Corman flick. You can even picture the tagline: “Imagine a breakfast… that can eat YOU!”
As you can see, the Biscuit could be the least kosher meal ever prepared, as it features bacon, sausage and ham all in one blast. The nutrition facts are predictably appalling: 790 calories, 88 percent of your daily fat intake, 90 percent of your daily saturated fat intake, 92 percent of your daily cholesterol intake and 96 percent of your daily sodium intake. You’ll note how tantalizingly close those percentages are to 100 percent. I think Hardee’s could push the Biscuit over the top by taking the entire thing and shoving it into the deep fryer for a couple of minutes and then dusting it with powdered sugar.
But seriously: the only reason to eat this thing is if you’re planning to live among walruses for a research project and you need to store up three months’ worth of fat in one sitting.