The 10 Most Horrifying Things in the GOP State Platforms

The GOP leadership's plan for addressing the nation's problems is to make them worse in order to screw over Obama and Democrats. Republicans at the state level, however, have introduced more proactive solutions to America's ills. These include outlawing oral sex and porn, taking a stand against the New World Order, and, of course, granting fetuses greater rights than women.

Republican state platforms don't have a direct impact on national politics: they're way too weird for the GOP leadership, which has to balance pandering to the crazy right-wing with wooing independents. But since the state platforms are mostly cobbled together in town halls, they're a good gauge of what inspires activists on the ground -- an important guide to Republican politics in an election year that's seen many GOP fixtures felled by Tea Party right-wingers. (In May, Maine Tea Partiers staged a bloodless coup at the GOP platform town halls, replacing the traditional, bland party platform with a statement of principles soaked in Glenn Beckian paranoia.)

Here are 10 of the weirdest, most extremist planks that have made their way into recent GOP state platforms -- a telling glimpse of Republican views unfiltered by media consultants and political calculations, in an election year hijacked by the Tea Partiers.

1. Brave Stand Against the New World Order

Shadowy global financial and political elites have a really unpatriotic plan in the works: dissolving America and ushering in a socialist, planetary government run by foreigners. Glenn Beck's meticulous reporting reveals that the so-called "New World Order" is swiftly approaching.

Like Beck, the Maine GOP is speaking out against the totalitarian menace in its 2010 platform, pledging to resist "efforts to create a one-world government." (In 2008, Maine Republicans, still blind to the truth, failed to enlist in the fight.)

Texas Republicans are also waging an existential battle to protect American sovereignty, declaring, "We oppose a one-world government in direct opposition to our basic principles and eroding our sovereignty." Also of concern in several platforms: the NAFTA superhighway from Mexico to Canada (an ongoing source of worry for Ron Paul libertarians and assorted conspiracy theorists) and the dreaded Amero, currency of the New World Order.

2. Get the UN Off Our Land!

Establishing a totalitarian one-world government will be easier if Americans have already been crushed into submission, which is where the UN comes in. Fortunately, state Republicans won't let that happen. The Texas GOP platform demands that the U.S. cut all financial and military ties to the UN, and rescind all treaties that allegedly conflict with the Constitution. Texas Republicans also want the UN off American land, urging Congress to "evict the United Nations from the United States and eliminate any further participation."

Maine is opposed to "any and all treaties with the UN or any other organization or country which surrenders U.S. sovereignty." These include the law of the Sea Treaty, and, because child soldiers are a small price to pay for freedom, the UN Treaty on Rights of the Child.

Iowa Republicans most definitely do not want UN diplomats invading the state to raise their children, writing "We support parental rights and oppose the recognition of the United Nations Convention on “The Rights of the Child.” (Needless to say, they really don't have to worry -- the Treaty, which prohibits things like child labor, trafficking and child soldiers, carries no mandates and cannot impose laws at odds with the Constitution.)

3. GOP Thinks Gays Should Have Fewer Rights

Like the world's children, gays and lesbians have way too many rights. Republicans in several states would like to remedy this problem. The Texas GOP, which actually has the gall to say that homosexuality "tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous, communicable diseases," opposes same-sex marriage, child custody rights for gays, and insurance and retirement benefits for same-sex couples.

Texas Republicans also think it's unfair that gays have the right to be gay, but that straight people don't have the right to stop them from being gay, so the platform has this ominous plank: "We oppose any criminal or civil penalties against those who oppose homosexuality out of faith, conviction, or belief in traditional values."

Meanwhile, Texas Republicans think civil officials who perform the perverse act of wedding people who love each other should be arrested and charged with a felony. Yes, the Texas GOP wants to jail anyone who performs a ceremony or issues a marriage license to a same-sex couple.

Montana Republicans would like for gay sex to be against the law, promoting legislation "to keep homosexual acts illegal."

4. The GOP Disapproves of Your Sex Life

Also relevant to the country's well-being is the kind of sex had by consenting adults. According to Texas Republicans, it definitely shouldn't be oral or anal. Their platform opposes the legalization of "sodomy," and demands that Congress "withhold jurisdiction from the federal courts from cases involving sodomy."

Alaska Republicans do not advocate for laws banning sexual behavior, but do put "promiscuity" and "porn" on the same list as suicide and domestic abuse, calling all four "social dysfunctions" they promise to continue "actively combating."

The South Carolina GOP has finally figured out why the rest of the country fails to live up to the high standards of sexual propriety set by the state's Republican politicians: It's because of President Obama, of course! The Palmetto State's GOP warns:

Citizens must recognize that the “pursuit of happiness” is not a license for all forms of hedonism, violence, and irresponsibility. We readily recognize that character counts, and private choices often have public consequences. Unfortunately, these points seem tragically lost on President Barack H. Obama and the Democratic Party (emphasis added).

Obama will never learn, but that doesn't mean that the sex lives of American adults don't demand immediate action by the federal government -- the favored instrument of change for state Republicans when it comes to sex. Says the South Carolina GOP, "We also support federal efforts to scientifically challenge the (Alfred) Kinseyan model of American Human sexuality, which, since 1948, has propagated as 'normal' an indiscriminate and promiscuous view of human sexual behavior." They'd also like "the abolition of Pornography in our society."

Wyoming Republicans feel so strongly about supporting the "vigorous enforcement of laws which are against pornography" they've listed the item twice in their platform.

5. No Taxes

Several platforms call for the abolition of the IRS, the Sixteenth Amendment and all federal taxes.

The Montana GOP would like to do away with the income tax: "We support the repeal of the 16th amendment of the U.S. Constitution which authorizes a national income tax." Texas offers up the following bold (and totally practical) reforms to our tax system: "We recommend a national sales tax (which does not include a Value Added Tax) to replace all other Federal taxes once the I.R.S. is abolished and the Sixteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is repealed."

The IRS is not the only government agency whose yoke Americans must shake off. Also targeted by several GOP platforms are the Department of Energy, the Department of Education, the Bureau of Tobacco and Firearms, the EPA, the Department of Housing and Urban Development, and the Department of Health and Human Services.

6. Nullification

Cutting a few totally nonessential government agencies will hardly curb the government's usurption of our liberties; not if democratically elected federal officials still have the authority to pass laws that have to be followed. Several state platforms have a solution to this unacceptable breach of state and individual rights: nullification!

Based on an imaginative reading of the Tenth Amendment of the Constitution, which states that laws outside the purview of the federal government fall to the states, so-called 10thers contend that the (mild) reform of our horrific health system represents a drastic infringement on states rights. The solution, embraced by a number of GOP platforms, is for states and individuals to ignore laws they deem unconstitutional. A sampling, from Montana: " ... the States not only have the right, but also the duty to nullify unconstitutional laws in order to protect their citizens."

7. Gold Standard

Like the federal government, paper money can't be trusted. Tea Party visionaries Glenn Beck and Ron Paul have a better idea though: gold. Several GOP platforms have embraced the sound economic plan to return to the gold standard. Montana advocates "a return to a gold and silver-based monetary system ... "

Wisconsin's GOP, worried about the "eminent" [sic] danger of a collapse in the value of the dollar" wants an audit of the Fed to support "sound money."

8. Birth Certificates

Montana and Texas are not about to let any agents of the New World Order who were born in Kenya and smuggled into Hawaii with really realistic forgeries of their birth certificates become president. At least not again. To that end, Montana has included the following preventative measure:

We vigorously encourage passage of legislation requiring candidates for U.S. Representative, U.S. Senator, Vice President of the United States, and President of the United States provide documentation of their eligibility for the office sought as defined in the United States Constitution. This documentation shall be filed with the Montana Secretary of State. This filing is to be required as a precondition to being placed on the ballot in Montana. SB474 of the 2009 Session of the Montana Legislature provides model language for such legislation.

Texas also demands that presidential candidates supply their birth certificates for inclusion on the ballot, "bearing names and signatures

of parents, attendant(s), as well as date, time and location of birth."

9. Science Is Scary

Though less of a threat than foreign interlopers, scientists are also up to something, and it's not good. The Maine GOP would like to find out what it is, calling for an investigation of "collusion between government and industry in the global warming myth, and prosecute any illegal collusion."

Several state platforms are also behind the totally non-embarrassing quest to teach Creationism in schools, so that kids' brains aren't too filled up with all the untrustworthy science.

Minnesota: "We should continue to encourage the voluntary expression of religious beliefs and traditions of students. Specifically, educators who discuss creation science should be protected from disciplinary action and science standards should recognize that there is controversy pertaining to the theory of evolution."

Open-minded Texas supports "objective teaching and equal treatment of all sides of scientific theories, including evolution, Intelligent Design, global warming, political philosophies, and others."

10. Women

Finally, in a move that, sadly, actually dovetails quite nicely with national GOP politics, most Republican state platforms would really like the vessels that carry children to stop getting abortions or using contraception, so they've introduced several measures to curb these practices. Minnesota wants this weird thing to happen: "Members of the Minnesota House and Senate should introduce and support legislation defining conception as: “when the DNA (Deoxyribonucleic Acid) of Mankind is joined.”

South Carolina wants Roe v. Wade reversed, by way of a "Constitutional Human Life Amendment."

Texas opposes the use and sale of the morning-after pill. More than one platform demands that women be required to view sonograms of their pregnancies.

Republicans at all levels already support many of the anti-women policies embraced by the extremist state platforms. But how long until John Boehner and Eric Cantor succumb to pressure from the Tea Party right and start spouting off about a New World Order?


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