U.S. Launches War Against ... the Brits!

Ed note: It's satire, folks ...


Adm. Eric T. Olson

Commander, U.S. Special Operations Command

Dear Admiral Olson,

When most people think of Special Ops, they picture Navy Seals seizing an off shore oil rig or Army Green Berets conducting recon deep behind enemy lines. While it's true that those kinds of heroic actions are SOCOM's bread and butter, the role your psychological warfare operations play is just as critical to our military success.

That's why I'm so happy to see you've targeted Great Britain for "a network of psychological-warfare 'influence websites' supporting the Global War On Terror." After nearly 200 years, it's about time we finally unleashed our blogging fury against the bastards who burned down the White House.

But do you think General Dynamics is the best contractor to lead such an effort? I've seen their posts, and I have to tell you, passages like the following just aren't what one would call "compelling reading:"

The GNC subassembly incorporates a GPS receiver with a low-cost control system known as the Roll-Controlled Fixed Canard (RCFC) system, developed and patented by General Dynamics Ordnance and Tactical Systems, that allows the mortar to adjust its flight to reach the intended target.

Who in the hell is going to make it past the first sentence of that? Wait, the whole thing's a sentence. Good God. It's reads like it was written by a cross between G. Gordon Liddy and William Faulkner's dim-witted, anal-retentive, evil twin.

You need a real blogger to launch this covert assault against British intelligence. It should be someone who has experience selling the Gloriously Eternal War on Terror to the public, someone who's familiar with the GEWOT stylebook, someone who isn't afraid to USE the RANDOM CAPS, so favored by the FRIGHTENED and mentally UNSTABLE.

Atlas Shrugs

editor Pamela Gellar would be perfect for the job, if only she could learn to write in English. There's no time for that.

That leaves me. I CAN write in RANDOM caps. I can sprinkle enough "bloodys," "colours," and "programmes," into each post to make myself appear to be British. Even more importantly, I can mimic the over-hyphenated, adverbophillic style of Islamphobic British amateur spy Dominic Wightman and the misspelled scribblings of Obsession

video star/Muslim convert Glenn Jenvey.

I can be a British Islamophobe, dammit! And, I'll do it for $1 million, that's one-tenth of what you're paying General Dynamics.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

#story_page_post_article

Understand the importance of honest news ?

So do we.

The past year has been the most arduous of our lives. The Covid-19 pandemic continues to be catastrophic not only to our health - mental and physical - but also to the stability of millions of people. For all of us independent news organizations, it’s no exception.

We’ve covered everything thrown at us this past year and will continue to do so with your support. We’ve always understood the importance of calling out corruption, regardless of political affiliation.

We need your support in this difficult time. Every reader contribution, no matter the amount, makes a difference in allowing our newsroom to bring you the stories that matter, at a time when being informed is more important than ever. Invest with us.

Make a one-time contribution to Alternet All Access, or click here to become a subscriber. Thank you.

Click to donate by check.

DonateDonate by credit card
Donate by Paypal
{{ post.roar_specific_data.api_data.analytics }}

Don't Sit on the Sidelines of History. Join Alternet All Access and Go Ad-Free. Support Honest Journalism.