Church 'N' State: Mississippi Sponsors Abstinence Fair

Editor's note: It's satire, folks!


The Holy Virgins of Mississippi

Don Thompson

Executive Director

Mississippi Department of Human Services

Dear

Mr. Thompson,

I hear your annual Abstinence Fair and Wash Yourself in the Blood of Jesus Expo is coming up. I'm hoping you'll use it to celebrate yesterday's announcement that Mississippi tops the nation in the number of teen pregnancies. That's quite an accomplishment for a state that promotes abstinence as ferociously as Glenn Beck hankers for a Wendy's Frosty™.

I'm a bit worried, however, that many will not fully grasp what this honor truly means. I mean, my gosh, a single case of immaculate conception is a genuine miracle and you've experienced tens of thousands. That's amazing, especially since it's occurring now, at a time when the Antichrist is alive and feasting on the corpses of Christian children somewhere deep within his White House lair.

I can't wait to watch as all these children grow strong as they temper themselves in the fires of poverty, incarceration, and societal neglect and emerge into adulthood, fully prepared for a life of servitude.

We have your abstinence policies to thank for that.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

#story_page_post_article

Understand the importance of honest news ?

So do we.

The past year has been the most arduous of our lives. The Covid-19 pandemic continues to be catastrophic not only to our health - mental and physical - but also to the stability of millions of people. For all of us independent news organizations, it’s no exception.

We’ve covered everything thrown at us this past year and will continue to do so with your support. We’ve always understood the importance of calling out corruption, regardless of political affiliation.

We need your support in this difficult time. Every reader contribution, no matter the amount, makes a difference in allowing our newsroom to bring you the stories that matter, at a time when being informed is more important than ever. Invest with us.

Make a one-time contribution to Alternet All Access, or click here to become a subscriber. Thank you.

Click to donate by check.

DonateDonate by credit card
Donate by Paypal
{{ post.roar_specific_data.api_data.analytics }}

Don't Sit on the Sidelines of History. Join Alternet All Access and Go Ad-Free. Support Honest Journalism.