Letter to (Yet Another) Totally Straight Wide-Stance Republican

John Godwin
Homecoming King
Executive Assistant
Office of the Attorney General
State of Alabama

Dear Mr. Godwin,

It's no surprise that the forces of homosexunistofascism and their allies in the dildonic technology industry are trying to bring down your boss, Attorney General Troy King. His work defending Alabama against the twin horrors of lovers marrying each other and women achieving orgasm (if such a thing actually exists) was bound to bring him into their sights.

Now, it appears they are also going after you by loudly wondering why you were promoted so quickly, why you make so much more than the average state worker, and why you have become Attorney General King's constant traveling companion. Combine those questions with the reports that his wife caught him passionately caucusing with another man, and you have a huge public relations challenge.

I think it's time you fought back. The best way to do so is to hold a news conference and explain to the press exactly what you do for AG King. Tell them you serve as his purity guard, defending him from homosexunistofascists who might try to have sexual congress with him while he's distracted or asleep.

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