From the Dept. of Bright Ideas: Youth Pastor Offers Assault Weapons to Godly Teens

News & Politics

Bob Ross
Youth Director
Windsor Hills Baptist Church

Dear Dr. Ross,

I've tried to resist writing you, but strange and intense feelings are gathering energy somewhere deep inside me. I fear that I'll explode in a embarrassing display of emotion if i don't find relief by blurting out the words that have been haunting my mind since I first saw your picture.


Your tan is outstanding. It is easily an 11 on the George Hamilton scale of traditionally-approved skin hues. I am in awe of your tanning skills. You're truly an artist in the medium of melatonin, a veritable Picasso of pigmentation.

And then there is your hair. So full, so high, so white. It rises from your head like Mt McKinley; its snowy reaches brushing against heaven's floor, reflecting light as if polished by angels. It is absolutely stunning.

You are, indeed, a very handsome man.

For most youth pastors, that, and a command of the hip language of our youth, would be enough. But you bring so much more. You bring a special knowledge of what teens desire most of all.

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