Hello, 2007: New Year's Resolutions I'd Like to Hear

Happy New Year! May your 2007 be filled with love, laughter, passion, and lots of blogging and blog reading.

Through the years, I've discovered something about New Year's resolutions: While it's not so easy to keep them, it's very easy to make them for other people. And a lot more fun, too.

So it's become something of a personal New Year's tradition to offer resolutions I'd like to hear assorted public figures make and keep. Here is this year's batch:

"I will run for president of the United States." -- Sen. Barack Obama

"I will run for president of the United States." -- Al Gore

"I will not run for president of the United States. But if I do, I will speak from my heart and not triangulate every issue within an inch of its life." -- Sen. Hillary Clinton

"I will develop a better pick up line than 'get a ruler and measure it for me.'" -- Mark Foley

"I will avoid making appearances on daytime TV after brutal nights spent downing limoncellos." -- Danny DeVito

"I will stop torturing myself by asking 'What if?'" -- Jeb Bush

"I will use my heartfelt condolence notes to express my heartfelt condolences, not as a PR tool. And I will learn how to spell adequite." -- Lindsay Lohan

"I will not take SNL's 'Dick in a Box' video as a gift-giving primer." -- Bill Clinton

"I will not grant interviews about important issues after 5 pm -- or anytime I don't know what the hell I'm talking about." -- Rep. Silvestre Reyes, incoming chair of the House Intelligence Committee

"We will admit that guns, in fact, really do kill people, and lots of them." -- the NRA

"I will avoid licking another girl's breast, at least in public." -- Katie Rees, dethroned Miss Nevada

"I will pick a party and stick with it." -- Sen. Joe Lieberman

"I will keep speaking out until the troops are home, no matter how I get slimed by George Bush and Karl Rove." -- Rep. Jack Murtha

"I will keep making episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm." -- Larry David

"I will keep my vile racist comments to myself." -- Michael Richards, Mel Gibson, George Allen

"We will stop pushing our product to kids." -- The makers of Prozac

"We will stop pushing our products to kids." -- The makers of cigarettes

"I will write on the blackboard one thousand times: 'Bad boys don't make good husbands.'" -- Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards, Whitney Houston, Kate Moss

"I will no longer shoot my friends in the face -- concentrating instead on the torso and legs." -- Dick Cheney

"When we hear bullshit, we will call it bullshit" -- The Mainstream Media

"We will keep speaking truth -- and punchlines -- to power." -- Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert

"I'm finally going to gain those pesky 15 pounds, so I can fit into that darling size 1 dress I've had my eye on." -- Kiera Knightly, Kate Bosworth, Mischa Barton, Nicole Richie, and the rest of the bony is beautiful brigade

"I will stop selling celebs on the concentration camp look." -- celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe

"Panty check. Every day." -- Britney Spears

"I will get my list together for the world's biggest mass e-mail apology." -- Donald Rumsfeld

"I will pick a hair color that occurs naturally in nature before I pick up Rosie's girlfriend." -- Donald Trump

"When people ask me why I'm gay I will have them watch The Apprentice." -- Rosie O'Donnell

"I will ask Angelina about how to have a smoother baby adoption process." -- Madonna

"I will remember that I once actually had courage and conviction and stop sucking up to the religious right." -- Sen. John McCain

"I will give the numerous sections in the New Testament about poverty and the poor more deference than I give to the few Old Testament rants about homosexuality." -- James Dobson

"I will give this Dolly Parton tribute thing a rest. Or at least bother to learn the words and stuff." -- Jessica Simpson

"I will realize the problem in Iraq isn't the media, it's the guy sleeping next to me." -- Laura Bush

"I will tell the President what I really think instead of what he wants to hear." -- Condoleezza Rice

"Hearings. Subpoenas. Oversight." -- Sen. Harry Reid

"I will realize that real men do admit mistakes, do change course, and don't let their Oedipal issues get in the way of doing the right thing." -- George W. Bush


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