Freaky Fridays

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to … do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

*****

Dear SG:

I've asked all my friends this question, and no one seems to know the answer. I'm an activist woman who works in the political and non-profit world in D.C. I don't usually have a problem getting a date -- which rules -- but every guy I date is hot, younger, and … eventually scared of my intense political views. I have two questions.

First, while I certainly will work on not scaring people to win arguments, how far should I go towards becoming less intense? Isn't intensity about politics and helping people what makes most of us activist types so great? My second question is, where in the world do I meet guys my own age? I'm 30 and meeting guys at the bars is netting me quite a few dates with 25-year-old men. This isn't working for me anymore. Please advise.

Too Intense

Dear Perfectly Intense,

In general, I am never a fan of improving one's game by dulling one's edges. So my first advice is, stop thinking of yourself as 'too' anything -- political, scary, old, intense. Whoever ends up with you is going to end up with the actual you, so might as well start as close to real as you can in this wicked world of dating. My second bit of advice is that scaring people rarely wins arguments in the long run -- people remember you as a fierce debater but are not convinced so much as beaten. Be intense, not scary -- that's just the basics of the game.

Now, the time has come for you to set your standard. Don't focus on what you don't want; don't go places where clusters of boy lovers await you. You have mastered and become bored with what you can get -- those hot boys are feeding your ego more than your soul now. Calm it down a bit so you can let your new desire fully form in you -- what are your needs? Where in your life do you see room for a partner? A wise man who has been very lucky in love told me, “You cannot manifest in life that which you don't leave yourself room to dream.” I laughed at first, cause it sounded a bit hippy-loopy, but then I realized that he has succeeded in love with that mantra, so I pass it along to you. I also step out on a limb to say, isn't that what non-profit conferences are for?

SG

*****

Dear SG:

Until about a month ago, I was sleeping with an old friend, mostly out of convenience. It's hard, as an organizer, to find someone who is really on point on the things I care about -- so sometimes I just get one of my needs met, and not all. But recently I had to be clear about not having the same feelings for Friend as Friend did for me. Sucked.

Then the other night I met Someone -- Someone I wasn't expecting who is making me feel magical. And I am not a magical-feeling kind of person, knaw mean? I didn't even realize Magic was one of my needs. So, I am moving forward with Someone and haven't been returning Friend's calls, and I think there's a better way to handle this. I don't want to hurt Friend, I don't want a whole emotional teary-eyed mess, I don't want to feel bad about Magic Someone. Can you help?

Skipping and Shit

Dear Skippy,

First of all -- I am so excited for you to have found a Magic Someone. It is so hard, no matter what you do, to find magic. It is especially hard if politics play a central role in your needs in a lover -- so don't you feel bad about a thing if you have found a Someone you can respect!

In terms of 'Friend'? My recommendation is to tell Friend in person and be genuine about your new feelings. I often find in friendship-lover settings there's this, "So sorry, wish it could work. I really like you but ... " energy which is just a tease, faking hope where there is usually none to be found. Have the respect to give Friend a clean hard break and start the healing process -- show Friend that in no uncertain terms you are not interested, and have met Someone, and are really excited about it. Your friendship will bode better if you make sure your need for Magic is met, and set Friend free to find some magic that has nothing to do with you.

SG

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