alternet logo

Tough Times

Demand honest news. Help support AlterNet and our mission to keep you informed during this crisis.

The Pork Barrel Protection Act

So the Flag Desecration Amendment fell a single vote short of passing in the Senate. And all the liberals are celebrating way too long into the night if you ask me. I imagine the Republicans are laughing so hard right now, their drool guards are spilling over capacity. Because now, they get to bring it up again and again and accuse Democrats of dooming old glory to an ignominious fate over and over. The only problem is flags are so the-day-before-yesterday. Might as well be wearing patchouli scented elephant bells.

There’s a whole plethora of American icons in danger of being bespoilt that Republicans can exploit. Let’s take a look, shall we?


  • Operation: Baseball Preservation. I don’t want to hear another word about these commiepinko soccer moms. If they can’t be learn how to be good old American baseball moms, maybe they should turn in their mini- vans and consider adoption.
  • The Thanksgiving Turkey Protection Act. No ham. No Beef Wellington. No turkey shaped tofu loaf. Its Thanksgiving. You’ll eat turkey and you’ll damn well like it. And the Detroit Lions game better be on every television.
  • Cheeseburger Anti Desecration Crusade. The only proper cheese on a cheeseburger is yellow. Either Wisconsin Cheddar or good ol American. That’s it. You can take your Mexican Pepper Jack and your Baby Swiss and your French gorgonzola and shred them where the sun never shines. Like on a salad. And it's a butter grilled sesame seed bun, not sun dried tomato focaccia bread.
  • Chocolate Simplification Act. Its chocolate for crum’s sake. It don’t get more basic than a Hershey Chocolate Bar. If it was good enough to for our brave boys in WW 2, it should be good enough for those attention deficit rug rats of yours.
  • Katie Couric: America’s Sweetheart Proclamation. There’s absolutely no reason why anybody should be watching Brian Williams or Charlie Gibson to begin with. None. It’s Katie’s world, we just live in it.
  • The Mandatory Rose Bowl Parade Viewing Order. Everyone should start the year off by watching the Rose Bowl Parade. And if it takes closing all the bars on New Years Eve to make sure it gets done, that’s what we’ll do.
  • Apple Pie Protection Bill. Its apple pie. Nuff said. Ordering any other kind is like throwing mud in your mother’s face. Can you imagine Jimmy Stewart ordering a slice of Turkish Coffee Chiffon Raspberry Torte? I thought not.
  • Superman is the only Superhero Acceptance Act. Did you ever hear the X- Men talk about either Truth, Justice and the American Way? Of course not.
  • Holiday Fruitcake Proliferation Compact. I don’t care whether you like it or not. This is generational thing and a lot bigger than just you or me. Eat it or pass it on and shut up.
  • The Official Veneration of Snowboarding as a Winter Sport. In America, we don’t give a real rat’s ass about the four man luge or whether some 14 year old nailed her triple lutz. If HBO were smart, they’d get Johnny Mosely to interview that girl who celebrated too early and lost the gold for a six part mini series.
  • Pork Barrel Politics Protection Bill. “Pork is bad.” “Pork is bad.” How else you supposed to pay back contributors from your district? Bridge builders got to work too, you know. Who cares if there’s no river to cross?
  • Pabst Blue Ribbon Celebration Act. Screw Heineken. Pabst Blue Ribbon. Beer comes in brown bottles. Shampoo comes in green bottles.

Enjoy this piece?

… then let us make a small request. AlterNet’s journalists work tirelessly to counter the traditional corporate media narrative. We’re here seven days a week, 365 days a year. And we’re proud to say that we’ve been bringing you the real, unfiltered news for 20 years—longer than any other progressive news site on the Internet.

It’s through the generosity of our supporters that we’re able to share with you all the underreported news you need to know. Independent journalism is increasingly imperiled; ads alone can’t pay our bills. AlterNet counts on readers like you to support our coverage. Did you enjoy content from David Cay Johnston, Common Dreams, Raw Story and Robert Reich? Opinion from Salon and Jim Hightower? Analysis by The Conversation? Then join the hundreds of readers who have supported AlterNet this year.

Every reader contribution, whatever the amount, makes a tremendous difference. Help ensure AlterNet remains independent long into the future. Support progressive journalism with a one-time contribution to AlterNet, or click here to become a subscriber. Thank you. Click here to donate by check.

Close