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Freaky Fridays

What: "Freaky Fridays" is a sex and relationships advice column for the young at heart.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to … DO it. Whatever IT might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), we'd have world peace.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

*****

Dear Sex Goddess,

I am dating a man who never comes. In bed he just stops, without making sure I finished. He's hard but then … nothing. Is he gay? Is his dick broken? Is he doin' that African sperm thing? I literally can't get no satisfaction … help!

Sincerely,
Unsatiated

Dear Unsatiated,

First of all, I am throwin' up a hand for you sis. I won't dismiss the possibility that he is gay, or is conserving his spiritual chi in a traditional practice. But many men, even at a young age, face various levels of sexual dysfunction. Having learned very little about healthy sex and relationships, many in our generation have developed a deep disconnect between love -- which they fear -- and sex, which they … also fear. My advice is to address this outside of the bedroom, as hard as that seems. In the moment, too much is on the line in terms of shame to broach the discussion.

SG

***

Dear SG,

My girlfriend is an ideological simpleton. She watches the news and concludes that the great chaos and conflict we live in all comes down to 'dumb Bush and the dumb Republicans.' When I point out that if they are dumb then we who oppose them are dumber since they keep winning, and that perhaps there is a more complex praxis to consider, she goes into a childlike apoplectic fit. It's affecting our sex life. How can I make her hush or put some meat on her skeletal thought process?

Me, my brain and I.

Dear Superior Being,

The contempt with which you speak of your girlfriend must register in her tiny brain, so I am sure it does affect both of your bedroom manners. But really, who cares about your sex life, it's your ego you need stroked well. You are in a no win situation … if you think she's simple, besting her in political sport will soon get boring. Save yourself now, get thee to a Mensa meeting (surely you know about genius mixers) and find some ideological equals!
SG

***

Dear SG,

This dude I am hooking up with … his down there is stinky. He says deodorant and the idea of folks having to smell the same is a colonizer's poison, and then with showering he's on this water conservation tip. I think he's smart and sexy and good on politics … how do I get him into that so fresh feeling?

Pinched nose.

Dear Pinched Nose,

Wait one second while I finish laughing. Aw! You got what I like to call a cute-n-stinky! While it's unlikely that you can enforce a pro-deodorant lifestyle on him, and you love the politics that make him this way, there are some options for you:

1. Build showers into your foreplay! Spend a lot of time polishing the nob. It would take me three columns to fully cover all the unspecial feelings that can come from unclean genitals.
2. Use all-natural soaps.
3. Conserve water by showering together as often as possible.
4. Make sure he is eating well and drinking lots of water, in general reduce the toxins entering his body. Bad smells often start inside.
5. Make sure he washes and changes his undergarments daily. A lot of the odor comes from build up of bacteria in clothing.
In terms of what to say, I would suggest saying you also hate the colonizing socialized need for universal shower fresh smells, but you do love his natural smell and want more of that! And keepin' it really real, pinched nose? Tell him if it's dirty, it won't go anywhere near your nose. He'll figure it out. Good luck!

SG

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