The 13th Annual Will Durst Awards
As you have probably figured out by the alarming lack of hairspray, stretch limousines and $30,000 designer gowns available in your area, awards season is upon us.
While we don't have any red carpets to roll out, we do promise that Joan Rivers will have as much to do with this column as Dick Cheney has to do with the truth. Yes, it's that time of the year again, when vast groups of entertainment professionals pat themselves on the back to the point where they run the risk of spraining a delicate wrist or two.
Millions of people ostensibly watch these oozing moody egos toss cast golden-plated statuettes at each other in order to live vicariously through them, but we all know it's really to ridicule fashion choices. And here at Worst of Durst Comedy Ltd., having never spied a bandwagon we weren't willing to jump on, it is with giddy self-congratulation that we settle in for the most serious and consequential of all the awards ceremonies: The Will Durst "Thank God For These Liquid Squeezebags Because I'm a Comic" awards.
Set yourself down in a comfortable chair and relax, folks. We got your back. And be assured, not a single "Brokeback Mountain" joke in the bunch.
The For Crum's Sake, Come On, Give Her The Money, She Slept With A 99-Year-Old Man for a Year and a Half award: Anna Nicole Smith.
The If They Were a Horse, We'd Have to Shoot 'Em award: The Democratic Party.
Best Makeup award: Harry Whittington.
The Making a Bad Situation Worse award: In a crowded field, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin.
Best Performance by Strange Bedfellows award: George Herbert Walker Bush and William Jefferson Clinton.
The Clock is Finally Winding Down on Your Five Minutes award: Paris Hilton.
Best Impression of a Sleepy Lizard In Search of a Warm Rock award: Once again, Dick Cheney narrowly edging out Robert Novack and Sam Donaldson.
The Why Won't Anyone Return My Calls Anymore award: Scott McClellan.
The Unclear on All The Words in Its Name award: The Federal Emergency Management Administration.
The Losing His Grip award: Karl Rove.
The Most Important Man in America award: For The 6th year in a row, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Steven's doctor.
The Lurking Like A Ticking Time Bomb award: Patrick Fitzgerald.
The Hell Was That? award: San Francisco slugger and Paula Abdul impersonator, Barry Bonds.
The Let's Settle All Global Disputes by Holding Hands and Singing Kumbaya award: San Francisco Supervisor Gerardo Sandoval for suggesting America doesn't need a military.
The Not As Dumb As His Hair Looks award: It's a tie! Reverend Al Sharpton and Donald Trump split this honor.
Most Likely to Find God Real Soon award: Scooter Libby.
The Unclear On The Concept award: Former head of FEMA Michael Brown, for announcing he's opening a new Crisis Management Consultancy.
Misdirection award: Dick Cheney.
The Shut My Mouth award: Another tie! Pat Robertson and Harriet Miers.
The Self-Control award: To George Bush for visiting India and not asking where all the teepees were.
Best Score: Halliburton for not just beating a gouging charge but finagling a bonus out of it.