Pandas sock ID in the eye

In a hysterical analysis of the mating and eating habits of the Giant Panda (Ursus Imbecilicus), August J. Pollak finds the ultimate argument against intelligent design: really stupid design.

On Panda coitus:

"this is where the stupidity kicks in: as you watch the [Animal Planet] special, they show video of how the pandas don't know how to mate correctly. The male keeps falling over, he goes in backwards, at one point he decides to try mounting her head. You can't even compare this to human teenagers losing their virginity; at least they're smart enough to figure out slot A goes in slot B."
On Panda cuisine:
"You want a perfect example of how Intelligent Design is bupkus? This is a gigantic animal 'designed' to favor as a food staple a plant that has almost no nutritional value whatsoever. Bamboo has a nutrient level somewhere along the lines of celery, therefore instead of turning to meat, or other sources, pandas have to eat tons of it daily just to get enough nutrients."
"Remember those stupid Total cereal ads where they show the douchebag at the hotel or something the pyramid of cornflakes he'd have to eat to get all the nutrition from one bowl of Total? That's bamboo for pandas. Except they won't eat the fucking Total, they get to work on their twenty-seven bowls of cornflakes. And if you try to argue with them, I'm guessing that because they're giant pandas they'll simply club you in the face until you die."
There you have it, the Homer Simpson of the animal kingdom.(August J. Pollak)

--> Sign up for Peek in your inbox... every morning! (Go here and check Peek box).

Understand the importance of honest news ?

So do we.

The past year has been the most arduous of our lives. The Covid-19 pandemic continues to be catastrophic not only to our health - mental and physical - but also to the stability of millions of people. For all of us independent news organizations, it’s no exception.

We’ve covered everything thrown at us this past year and will continue to do so with your support. We’ve always understood the importance of calling out corruption, regardless of political affiliation.

We need your support in this difficult time. Every reader contribution, no matter the amount, makes a difference in allowing our newsroom to bring you the stories that matter, at a time when being informed is more important than ever. Invest with us.

Make a one-time contribution to Alternet All Access, or click here to become a subscriber. Thank you.

Click to donate by check.

DonateDonate by credit card
Donate by Paypal
{{ }}

Happy Holidays!