Dear Dick,

Dear Vice President Cheney,
Let me express my condolences for the loss of your chief of staff, Lewis "Scooter" Libby. With all true Americans, I recognize the valuable service Mr. Libby performed for you and the country, particularly the oil companies, over the past five years, and the key role he played in helping to create the democratic paradise of today's Iraq.
So opens Andrew Altschul's bid to replace Scooter. By way of qualification he demonstrates that he's "pure evil" (with letters from exes to prove it), able to keep a secret ("especially if it involves your criminal and immoral conspiring against other Americans"), and is "a big fan of your plans for world domination and strongly support the groundless invasion of foreign countries in pursuit of this goal."

He even has his own plan:
"Also, though I know it's not technically a foreign country, why not think about invading San Francisco? There's a neighborhood called the Mission that is full of potentially subversive foreigners—can't you see us standing on Valencia Street under a banner saying 'Mission Accomplished'? I think a 'liberation' of the Bay Area would play well in the red states and help to cement your neoconservative legacy."
There is the problem of Altschul's spotless record of voting for Democrats...
"OK, it's true that I've always voted Democrat. But, in the first place, since there is no longer a functioning Democratic Party, I guess that technically makes me an Independent. Consider me in search of a new affiliation!"
I think he nails the position in the conclusion. Dick would be a, well, he'd be a fool to not hire this eminently qualified free thinker:
"There are still far too many Americans relying on government handouts, while upstanding citizens like Kenneth Lay have to pay hundreds of dollars in taxes and worry about being indicted for pursuing the American Dream. There are too many countries who selfishly want to control their own oil and natural-gas resources, while Americans are being forced to downsize their Hummers. Out my window right now I can see at least four trees, and not a single refinery or power plant. Clearly, all is not well."
(McSweeney's)

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