Breaking: The Bible is not all factual
It may seem shocking to those of us living under the reign of the so-called Christians that make up the extreme religious right here in the U.S., but earlier this month, Catholic bishops in England, Wales and Scotland announced that some parts of the Bible are not actually true.
"We should not expect to find in Scripture full scientific accuracy or complete historical precision," the bishops write in a teaching text distributed to the faithful.
According to the bishops, the first 11 chapters of Genesis are among the made-up portions of the Bible. These are the big sections, the ones where God makes the Earth and humankind in six days.
Now we're told that these chapters "cannot be 'historical.' At most, they say, they may contain 'historical traces.'"
Even more shocking to these eyes are the reasons for this change of story. The Times story says the bishops have announced this new concept in order to stem the tide of intolerant religious fundamentalism, while this reader can't help but imagine said bishops gesticulating furiously in the direction of the United States. The bishops wrote:
"Such an approach is dangerous, for example, when people of one nation or group see in the Bible a mandate for their own superiority, and even consider themselves permitted by the Bible to use violence against others."And concerning Revelation, the scary, apocalyptic part of the New Testament, the bishops add:
"Such symbolic language must be respected for what it is, and is not to be interpreted literally. We should not expect to discover in this book details about the end of the world, about how many will be saved and about when the end will come."Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins must be pissed. But don't worry, I'm sure our homegrown, intolerant Christian hatemongers will find a good way to get back and those English softies.
Be sure to check the end of the Times story, as it has an indispensible list of which parts are fake and which parts real.