To Rick, With Love

Dear Sen. Santorum,

On behalf of the depraved, morally relativistic citizenry of Boston, I just wanted to thank you for finally giving us the credit that we deserve. In fact, I was just taking a break from some man-on-dog sex with my Weimaraner, Hank, when I read your comments about our moral cesspit of a city. You called Boston a sick culture that sanctions alternative lifestyles, and said it was no surprise that Boston, a seat of academic, political, and cultural liberalism in America, lies at the center of the storm of the Catholic priest child sex abuse scandal of a few years back.

Honestly, I admire someone with the guts to finally expose the Athens of America for the modern-day Gomorrah that it really is. That pussy, Dick Armey, actually apologized after his slip of the tongue before the Democratic National Convention, when he said that if he were a Democrat he'd feel more comfortable having a convention in Boston, than say, America. Even our own governor, presidential opportunist Mitt Romney, softened his tone after taking heat for criticizing Massachusetts on gay marriage during a recent swing through South Carolina.

But you, you stick to your guns. Despite making those comments two years ago -- before the priest scandal became a nationwide phenomenon that included your own home state of Pennsylvania -- you bravely held your ground when questioned about them this week, saying that a worldview like Boston's that affirms alternative views of sexuality can lead to a lot of people taking your words the wrong way.

With all due respect, however, I don't think you've really considered how far the wrong way Boston has taken them. Truth be told, our sick culture of sexual depravity goes back a lot further than gay marriage and Catholic priest abuse. Take the Puritans. I mean, talk about alternative lifestyles! The constrictive clothing, the stocks and irons, the public hangings, the dunking tanks, the flamboyant letters pinned to their breasts ... Massachusetts Bay Colony was like an S&M dungeon waiting to happen. And those were the same folks who founded Harvard University, spouting some crap about the need to train a literate clergy. Whereas we all know that literacy just gets in the way of the quick snap judgments and moral superiority that right-wing clergy (and for that matter, certain senators) really need to do their job.

And that's just the beginning. The Boston Tea Party? Please, have you ever heard of a more gay-sounding political protest? And all that bunk about not firing until you see the whites of their eyes. We're lucky Colonel Prescott and the boys at Bunker Hill didn't get so lost in the eyes of those strapping, young redcoats that they forgot to pull their triggers. Don't even get me started on Paul Revere and his horse! Some might say that political liberalism was the backbone on which this country was founded -- you know, the respect for liberty and the rights of the individual passed down from John Locke to Thomas Jefferson. But you and I both know that really leads to nothing but dog-sex and child abuse. We're lucky this county ever got founded at all!

After that dubious beginning, as you know, things went from bad to worse here in Beantown. I won't bore you with all the particulars, since you've clearly made a quick study of our corrupt metropolis, but let's just take a few of the highlights.

The abolitionists; have you ever seen a sicker bunch of folks? True, the impassioned speeches from the pulpit by William Lloyd Garrison and Frederick Douglass provided the moral impetus to the Civil War. But we both know they were just thinking ahead to the time when their arguments could be twisted to make gay marriage a civil rights issue, rather than the destruction of society we both know it is. (Though to be fair, appropriating the abolitionists' words does come in handy when you and your friends want to affirm the rights of an unborn fetus or brain-dead Terri Schiavo.)

Then there were Henry David Thoreau and Ralph Waldo Emerson, whose essays supposedly inspired the modern-day environmental movement. Ahem. Two men alone in the woods? Enough said. Do I even need to mention the great Massachusetts Senator Daniel Webster, who once used the filibuster to try and prevent the expansion of slavery to Texas? As you rightly pointed out on the Senate floor a few weeks ago, Rick, anyone who supports the filibuster is equivalent to Adolph Hitler.

Now, I'd like to say that Boston has repented of its wanton ways since those days of yore. But as you know from your many, many first-hand visits here, the situation has only gotten worse. The academic liberalism at such institutions as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has led to inventions such as the computer and the Internet, created especially to more easily deliver porn to our children. And then there are all of the Harvard University graduates who have gone on to spread their doctrine of promiscuity around the world (I exclude, of course, alumni like George W. Bush, L. Paul Bremer, Bill O’Reilly, William Rehnquist, Tom Ridge and Mitt Romney).

How right you are, as well, to condemn our city's cultural liberalism. I mean, the Boston Ballet? Please. How could any self-respecting man of the cloth sit through an hour of young boys dancing in tights and not run right out to diddle the nearest altar boy? And, of course, the Boston Pops and that patriotic Fourth of July concert they show every year on national television. I mean, can we ignore the obvious phallic imagery of those cannons blasting off at the end of the 1812 Overture? And wasn't Tchaikovsky gay, by the way?

As for political liberalism, well, so what that we've had 14 years of Republican governors here in Massachusetts, and a state legislature so socially conservative it just allowed the sale of beer on Sunday. That's all canceled out by the craven stand of our courts last year in legalizing gay marriage. To be sure, it may seem like opposition to the issue has subsided here since the predicted apocalypse after legalization didn't occur. But I assure you, we Bostonians have been scandalized for months watching gay and lesbian couples argue about taking out the trash and doing the dishes rather than gyrating shirtless to thumping techno music in dance clubs where they belong.

Like you, I was sorely disappointed to see how all of this moral relativism has infiltrated the Catholic Church, causing it against its best intentions to sink to the same level of sexual depravity as the rest of us. I admit, for a moment there, I once thought the Catholic Church was a bulwark of conservatism in Boston, and that hierarchical devotion to the priests had caused parishioners for decades to turn a blind eye to child abuse in the pews. I once even thought -- if you can believe this -- that it was a triumph of intellect over blind faith that caused Boston, first among American cities, to break the cycle of abuse through a combination of dogged reporting by the Boston Globe and the courage of the victims who came forward to testify, thereby starting a ripple effect exposing similar allegations throughout the country.

But no, your frank words have reminded me that the church in Boston has always been holding the line against sexual sins, only to be corrupted unawares by forces beyond its control. Thus, it was never hypocritical that the Archdiocese of Boston led the opposition to gay marriage on the grounds of moral values, instead of crusading on issues like affordable housing or poverty that a less-astute observer might find more urgent. I now see that the church was just trying to keep sex where it belongs -- in the shadows, where boys can be viciously abused -- rather than out in the light, where gay men and women can declare their loving, monogamous commitment.

You know, the more I think about this, is there something we can do to rid the world of this debauched beacon of licentiousness called Boston? I mean, God burned Sodom and Gomorrah down to ashes. Would you mind perhaps putting in a word with Him? I'd start praying myself, but I've got a date with a Weimaraner.

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