Top Ten List of Public Safety Hazards
In my unofficial, under-appreciated self-appointed capacity as National Political Logic Commissioner, I bear the grave responsibility of compiling the annual top 10 list of political actions posing safety hazards to the general public. This release coincides with the start of the traditionally busy post-election finger-pointing season, and sad to say, the news is not good.
This week's release of the 30th annual survey is highlighted by some of the greatest gaps in reason and rationality in the history of the study. One member of the nominating committee (me) called the rampant hypocrisy "breathtaking." Apparently logic no longer plays a role in our leadership process, going the same way facts and hard numbers did a few campaign cycles ago.
So, here they are. 2004's most hazardous political actions compiled by the National Political Logic Commission, yours truly being head honcho. The entire Commission actually.
1. Ukrainian Election Fraud. Discovered through major discrepancies between exit polling and actual voting. But in Ohio and Florida, discrepancies dismissed as anomalies. Later, suspect exit polls altered to reflect vote count totals. Poses risk of accusations of geographical bias.
2. Janet Jackson's Boob. One breast. Seen for a half second. From across a football field. Poses risk of innocent heads spinning right off their necks.
3. Bush Presidential Campaign. Denounces Kerry campaign for exploiting Mary Cheney's homosexuality for political purposes. Gagging risk.
4. Bush Presidential Campaign. Borderline deserter accuses decorated veteran of war crimes. Sanity hazard.
5. Dick Cheney. Instructs Senator Patrick Leahy in fine art of self-actuating yoga. Risk of moral high ground erosion.
6. John Kerry. Voted for war, then against it. Wind surfing in August? Reports of motivation and incentive handles falling off of base.
7. Halliburton. Government auditors recommend Army withhold $90 million payment to Dick Cheney's favorite 501(c)3 due to fact that not only did they lie and cheat and steal, they didn't even bother to be sneaky about it. Choking hazard.
8. Congressional Republicans. Change ethics rules so Tom Delay won't be forced to relinquish leadership when indicted for felony. Feeble explanations prove hard to swallow.
9. America's Clergy. Advocated Bush's re-election from pulpit due to his superior moral nature – ignoring the suspect morality of killing upwards of 100,000 Iraqis under intentionally false pretenses. Potential eternal fire and burn hazard.
10. 66 ABC Officials. For not airing 3rd annual Veterans' Day showing of Saving Private Ryan due to stated fear of flaunting decency standards. Severe risk of genital shrinkage.