Top News Stories of 2004

2004 was to news stories what haggis is to debutante balls, what Quakers are to internet hacking, and what Paris Hilton is to mule skinning. That is, unless one was a humorist, which I was, and barring an intensification of the stomach ailment that followed multiple servings of ill preserved oyster stuffing, still will be. So I have compiled a list of the top ten news stories eliciting humor in 2004 – because it’s your right to know.

10. Tommy Thompson. Retiring Secretary of Health and Human Services said he can’t understand why terrorists haven’t attacked our nation’s food supply. You know what? SHUT UP! Fortunately someone stopped him just before he specified at which point in the chicken killing process the botulism should be introduced.

9. Howard Dean’s scream. People falsely blame the scream for Dean’s demise, but it was a response to coming in third in Iowa, not the cause. Democrats, don’t ask for whom the scream peals, it peals for thee.

8. Stolen election. The same Democrats whining Republicans stole their election. Duh. Of course they did. They stole it last time in plain sight. This time they got rid of paper trails. What did you expect? You dummies should have stolen it first.

7. Reaganpalooza. Poor Gerald Ford. Must have been watching the seven day long celebration of Conservative rapture following Reagan’s death in June with unalloyed dread. No way does his funeral last a whole week. Lucky if Fox News films his ashes being dumped off the Key Bridge into the Potomac out of a coffee can.

6. Bill Clinton. Does whatever it takes to stay in the news. First a book tour, then a quadruple bypass: finally rolls off a gurney in attempt to inject 20ccs of magnetism into the Kerry operation; so moribund, it makes us long for the halcyon days of the charismatic Gore- Lieberman campaign. Then the new Clinton Library opens replacing his old library, which if rumors be true, resided between his mattress and box spring.

5. Iraq- Iran. It wasn’t Iraq with the ties to Al Qaeda. It wasn’t Iraq with the nuclear program. It was Iran. Man, we were so close. Probably just a clerical error. Abu Ghraib would have made the list but for some reason the naked human pyramids on Bush’s watch just aren’t as funny as those on Clinton’s.

4. The Gropenfuhrer. California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger sparked the Republican Convention, “Vote for Bush if you want to live.” Or was that Cheney? In September, he signed a bill making it illegal to have sex with a corpse. Do we really need a law? Wouldn’t true friends take responsibility for that? “C’mon Bob, I think you’ve had enough. Give me the condoms.” Friends don’t let friends have sex with corpses.

3. Gay marriages. A clever end around on San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom’s part. Trying to anger the Bush Administration so much, an actual air strike is called in. And then we’re eligible for new schools and roads and universal health care. Besides, I thought the whole idea was to keep gays from having sex. What better way than marriage do you know…?

2. Bush vs. Not Bush. That’s who John Kerry was, although he never figured it out. “Hi, my name’s John Kerry.” “Yeah, whatever. Here’s a knife, get him. No, the other end you idiot.” Wind surfing? Are you kidding me? Nobody wants to see a future President wearing spandex. Should have just put the tank helmet on and gotten it over with.

1. Bush wins 2nd term. Security moms in Nebraska worried about terrorism. You’re in Nebraska for crum’s sake. Republicans not even bothering to spin Bush as winner of the debates. “So he’s not a great debater, we think that works for us.” Apparently their target demographic prefers dim, inarticulate but determined candidates. “We don’t trust that Kerry fella, using big words, walking around all erect and stuff. Bush is resolute.” Yeah, so is butt cancer.