Cheater's Proof

Election '04

A couple years ago, Northern California was hit by a big earthquake, not the BIG ONE, but large enough so we were visited by death, destruction and the devastation of major television network satellite trucks. Instead of displaying empathy for the victims of these natural disasters, one of those fundamentalist Christian types – I forget which one, Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell or John Ashcroft, you know, one of those holy liquid squeezebags – laughed himself silly at our distress, claiming we had brought it upon ourselves by flagrant heathen behavior. That's right, God took time from His/Her busy schedule of tempting potential sinners and answering the prayers of body-painted football fans to throw down a 7.1 temblor because we buy a higher percentage of the buttless chaps sold in this country. And all across the land, you heard muffled harrumphs of agreement from the faithful.

But all during the rains of Hurricanes Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne, have you heard one word about this string of storms being God's retribution on Florida for the wholesale hijacking of the 2000 election? Nothing, right? Why? Because so far no one's been stupid, ignorant or backward enough to link the two: ludicrously suggesting that God has enough free time on His/Her hands to give a real rat's ass about our petty squabbles.

Until now. Cuz that's my job.

Did you ever hear of cheater's proof? 4 hurricanes in one season. People, how much more evidence do you need? Would 8 do it? 17? Well, it doesn't matter, because you're going to get all the evidence you want and more. That's right, I talked to God and just like Al Gore, He/She is still pissed about Bush's ballot pilferage. He/She knows what Katherine Harris did, and He/She plans to keep flinging these storms the length of America's dangling appendage right up till the election unless Florida turns the dastardly miscreant and all incriminating evidence over to the proper authorities.

That's right. A human sacrifice is all that can keep a veritable gaggle of Category 3s and 4s and 5s from spinning up and down the length and breadth of the Sunshine State till meteorologists run out of names, shooting past Zed then doubling back alphabet-wise, starting over again with the AA's: Angry Alan, Beastly Bob, etc. I'm sorry folks, but that's the story. Don't shoot the messenger.

Apparently God will not be satisfied until Katherine Harris is where she belongs: in prison for her crimes of stealing an election and the excessive use of hair products. And if not, repeat after me: Hurricane, Hurricane, Hurricane. Not to mention an endless series of shots of reporters in raincoats yelling at unseen cameramen tethered to concrete posts.

Of course if Florida refuses to do the right thing, mayhaps one of her neighbors exhausted from all this residual moisture due to Florida's transgressions might take matters into their own hands and pre-emptively abduct Ms. Harris for the sake of their own deductibles. And if you consider this is all too crazy for anybody to take seriously, you don't understand the way major insurance companies work. If I were her, I'd avoid dark alleys.

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