We've Run Out of Bullets

With our troops engaged in two separate but unequal foreign wars, President George W Bush observed Memorial Day by laying a wreath at the tomb of the unknown service record. The Stealth Soldier then spoke eloquently of the courage and sacrifice exhibited by our country's brave steadfast youth, highlighted by the subliminal text, "When the going gets tough, the tough send other people's kids to fight to keep gas under $2 a gallon."

This end of May tribute was the climax of a two-week campaign blitzkrieg that began with a speech to the nation at the War College and included the dedication of the World War II Memorial this past weekend. By the way, who knew there was a War College, and what do you think those entrance exams are like? And is Donald Rumsfeld convinced it could be run with fewer teachers?

In the midst of his grueling tour, the self-described War President intoned many stentorian aphorisms, including "the enemies of peace must be isolated," which probably doesn't mean he's sending Cheney and Wolfowitz to their rooms without dinner, but should. He also vowed Iraq will not be Vietnam. Well good, Dubya -- that means you won't need another note from your daddy to slide into the National Guard. Critics carped that this rhetoric siege was a mite disingenuous considering the President's military service. But say what you will -- on his watch, not a single Viet Cong ever set foot in Alabama.

The new news is we've run out of bullets. No, I'm not making this up. Even though Alliant Techsystems, the Independence, Missouri company responsible for making bullets for the U.S. government, has production lines running around the clock, sending 1.2 billion rounds to the front lines in the past year, they estimate that number will be at least 800 million rounds short. But what's four-fifths of a billion bullets amongst friends?

We've run out of bullets. You know what, that's not good. No, really, I looked it up. That's not good. Winning a war without bullets is like trying to educate kids without any books. Oh, right, I guess we're doing that too. Can't you just imagine Rumsfeld strutting into a gun shop demanding 10 million M16 clips only to be told he needs two forms of ID and will have to wait two weeks for the cooling off period?

And it's not just bullets we're running out of: We're also short on money, batteries, money, tank treads, money, allies, money, body armor and money. Did I mention money? But that's what happens when you throw two wars into the same economic blender as two tax cuts. Now you'd think if I can figure this out, one of our big time money crunchers could too, wouldn't you? Maybe we can recalibrate our minesweepers to look for spare change. And hey, as long as you're doing house-to-house sweeps, spend a couple minutes digging under the couch cushions. Who knows, you might find some bullets there.

On his last couch cushion check, Will Durst found two buttons, a buck thirty-seven and an extremely linty tootsie roll pop. Don't ask.

Oh yeah, "Funny Business" in Los Angeles Thursday, June 3 through Saturday, June 5 at the Coronet Theater. 310/657-7377, and ask for the 2-for-1 deal.

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