Requiem for a Ray Gun

Okay, okay. I get it already. He was the Mother Teresa of the right. And now he's dead and it's time to canonize him, although I got to say, seeing big time Democrats do it makes me want to throw up in a bubble wrap envelope and overnight it to Kerry campaign Headquarters. My guess is our whole country has fallen victim to the same convenient "Can't Recall Disease" the 40th President made so popular near the end of his second term.

Yeah, yeah, I understand it must have been hard on his family seeing him deteriorate during the last ten years of his life, falling to the gauzy clutches of Alzheimer's, but where's this same sympathy for the thousands of disabled he was responsible for throwing out into the streets? What about the retirees with stolen pensions who couldn't afford teams of attendants wiping their butt at the end? Where's the compassion for the legions of agendaless gays he sentenced to early deaths with his policy of withholding federal dollars for AIDS research? And now they're talking about putting his face on everything from the ten dollar bill to Mt. Rushmore. Excuse me?

Feverish with the same giddy amnesiatic malady of revisionist history sweeping the nation, allow me to weigh in with my "Saint Ronnie Died For Our Sins Exoneration Collection."

Accusation: Once spoke of being on the bow of a ship in WWII. Was never on a ship during WWII, but he did play a part in a movie where he was on the bow of a ship.
Exoneration: Gave the country a belief and confidence in itself that transcends reality.

Accusation: Napped during Cabinet meetings.
Exoneration: Well rested for State Dinners.

Accusation: Most Presidents are figureheads: Reagan was a hood ornament.
Exoneration: Hood ornaments need role models too.

Accusation: Said trees cause pollution.

Exoneration: He didn't actually mean trees cause pollution, he was only using it as a metaphor for... for, unh, something else.

Accusation: Turned down Bogart's part in the movie "Casablanca."
Exoneration: History would have changed if he had taken the part. Bogart might have been President. Of course, "Casablanca" would have been a crappy movie. I mean, c'mon, you got to have priorities.

Accusation: Consulted astrological charts to determine which were the most propitious times for foreign trips.
Exoneration: He was ahead of his time, grasshopper.

Accusation: Had the intellectual depth of an ashtray.
Exoneration: Possessing more than the intellectual depth of an ashtray was always an arbitrary barrier thrown in the way of potentially great leaders like Ronald W Reagan, J Danforth Quayle and George W Bush.

Accusation: Called ketchup a vegetable.

Exoneration: He didn't really mean ketchup was a vegetable, he was only using it as a metaphor for... unh, for trees not causing pollution.

Will Durst thinks selective memories are fine, as long as they're not too selective.

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