Massachusetts Marriage Mania

Well, it started. The city of Cambridge became the first municipality to legally marry a gay couple in the State of Massachusetts, and the obnoxious cacophony emanating from the various sanctified orifices of the Religious Right is enough to make one wonder who's running tape backwards through speakers the size of Rush Limbaugh's ego. Here's what I don't get: How does two men or women holding civil rights hurt the right-wingers? Maybe they're bemoaning severe sleep loss whilst imagining their greatest nightmare? Hey guys, subscribe to different magazines.

One protester to the ceremony held up a sign reading: "God hates fags." Yeah, well, okay -- but if you ascribe to that darling little slogan, you must also hold the opinion that God loves bigoted intolerant idiots. Of course, conservatives are seizing this opportunity to distract attention from the quagmire that is not a quagmire by swiftly convening prayer meetings to hasten the shuffling off this mortal coil of the Massachusetts' Supreme Judicial Court Justices responsible for this revolting turn of events.

They have predictably trotted out their standard litany of godless commie pinko yellow rat bastard charges and aimed them at the usual suspects like the ACLU and Teletubbies. But since this is an election year, John Kerry is understandably having his tail pilloried as well for the audacity of being elected to represent a state full of evildoers. And it is only with the greatest of restraint that I refrain from making a Texas joke here.

The argument is "if this crime against nature persists and becomes accepted by society, you know what's next: bestiality." Let me think. NO! There's still an age limit, isn't there? You ever seen an 18-year-old sheep? It's not a pretty sight my friend. Besides, no one marries mutton. Listen to them and you'd think these opponents to gay marriage have never met anyone even the slightest bit festive much less gay. They sound like they're describing alien demons with cloven hooves and scaly talons. For crum's sake, don't you get it, gays are people? They're you and me.

The only difference between gay and straight is which way your head faces during sex. That's it. And the quality of appetizers at the reception. C'mon, smoky cheddar salmon puffs on foccacia bread with a puddle of caviar -- that is not a straight wedding. Anyway, I thought the whole idea was to keep gays from having sex. What better way than marriage do you know to accomplish that?

Political comic Will Durst thinks some folks should just get a grip. And what they grip is a purely personal choice.

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