The Thank God for Squeezebags Awards

Hey guys, time to rummage through the clutter on the floor of the shed. Dig out those hard hats, because we're in the middle of awards season, and golden-plated statuettes are being flung around like frisbees in Central Park.

Oh sure, you may have whiled away some free time with your lesser awards like the Oscars, the Golden Globes, et al, but now it's time to settle in for the most serious and portentous of all awards ceremonies: the Will Durst Thank God For These Liquid Squeezebags Because I'm a Comic Awards. (Black tie optional.) An elegant gift bag awaits anyone who chooses to be one of our prestigious presenters. Go wait backstage and feel free to help yourself from the deli tray.

BEST MAKEOVER: John Kerry, Billionaire Boston Brahman Blueblood becomes ordinary friend of the mill worker in pre-Iowa blink of an eye.

THE "OH MY GOD, NOT YOU AGAIN" AWARD: Ralph Nader. Scarier than Jason vs Freddy.

THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN AMERICA AWARD: For 4th year in a row, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Steven's doctor.

THE AREN'T YOUR 15 MINUTES OVER YET? AWARD: It's a three way tie! Paris and Nicky Hilton and Nicole Ritchie.

MISDIRECTION AWARD: Donald Rumsfeld. "Weapons of Mass Destruction? What weapons of mass destruction? We never said he had weapons of mass destruction. What we said was, he was a bad guy."

BEST ANIMATION: Howard Dean in his Iowa non-concession speech. Yeeeeeahhhh!

WHY WON'T ANYONE RETURN MY CALLS? AWARD: Al Gore.

UNSOUND DESIGN AWARD: George W Bush and his plan to privatize Social Security.

THE NOT AS DUMB AS HIS HAIR LOOKS AWARD: Reverend Al Sharpton.

BEST SCORE: $12 million for Bill Clinton's memoirs and $8 million for Hillary's. That's $20 million for the recollections of 2 people who for 8 years continually testified under oath they couldn't remember a single thing.

THE HE KNOWS MORE THAN HE'S LETTING ON AND I DON'T THINK ITS GOOD NEWS AWARD: Alan Greenspan.

BEST CHOREOGRAPHER: Karl Rove for managing to bury discussion of Bush's missing years in Texas National Guard under drumbeat for constitutional amendment banning gay marriages.

BEST IMPRESSION OF A SLEEPY LIZARD IN SEARCH OF A WARM ROCK AWARD: Once again, Dick Cheney narrowly edges out Robert Novack and Sam Donaldson.

THE LET'S SETTLE ALL GLOBAL DISPUTES BY HOLDING HANDS AND SINGING KUMBAYA AWARD: Congressman Dennis Kucinich.

MOST DESERVING DISAPPEARING ACT AWARD: Joementum.

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT AWARD: The Bush Administration's Environmental PROTECTION Agency.

THE TAKE OFF THE BLINDERS AND HE'LL STILL RUN RIGHT INTO AN 18TH CENTURY WALL AWARD: John Ashcroft.

Will Durst won an award once but he thinks it had something to do with beer consumption.

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